Greeley and Complete divorce – both remarry

Just three months after tying the knot, Ozzy rapper Greeley has divorced his inbred gay rapper husband Complete. The BIG GREELZ asked for a divorce early yesterday morning, and although he did not specify the reason, a Facebook post from 11:36 that same morning (Tassie time, NOT Perth) suggested that it may have been influenced by flavour.

The divorce was made official at 12:20. In the divorce statement, Greelz implied that him and Shelly Boy (Complete) had been “eating different brands of instant noodles”, a marriage crime that the mere thought of brings tears to my eyes.

Shelly was quick to find new love, hooking up with the even more inbred Tassie rapper who goes by the name of Dunn D. The pair married at 5 PM. Later that night, Greelz released his diss track “No More Mr Nice Greelz”, a parody of Complete’s own diss track “Mr Nice Guy”. Within a minute of the track’s release, Greeley married Michael David South, some guy who CNN knows nothing about who was pictured with Greelz on a jetski earlier this year. He described his actions as “revenge marriage”, saying that “2 can play at this game”.

Above: The leaked picture of Greeley that made Complete jealous and caused some domestic violence.

It is believed that some of these events may have been influenced by alcohol intake, as Greelz woke up with a hangover this morning and created the following Facebook post:

Disclaimer: Screenshot was sent in by another journalist who helped document this. I do not “Love” react.

On top of this, Greelz has already divorced his new husband. At 4:19 PM this arvo just gone, he made a public service announcement with the following piece of life advice:

Look everyone…
If I ever have any advice to give you…
Revenge Marriage doesn’t work out very well!
I tried with Alertz but could only last a day…
He just carries on too much…

So, apparently this Michael David South guy also goes by the name of Alertz, but don’t take my word for it.

In the divorce hearing, Alertz admitted that he had only dated Greelz because he had a crush on Kerser. Greelz stated that he was “not phased” by this and that it was not the first time someone used him to get to Kerser. In response to this, underground rapper and part time porn star KoolB teased the idea of some footage of the two surfacing on Pornhub, but this is unlikely as Kerser is in jail for arson at the moment.

Here at TripHopz, we are nothing short of sad that Oz hip-hop’s first same sex marraige didn’t last, but we are optimistic about the future and wish nothing but the best for Complete and Dunn D, our second same sex marriage.

Greeley and Complete married

Oz hip-hop legend Greeley has officially tied the knot with the love of his life, a rapper who goes by the name of Complete. The marriage was confirmed by Greeley himself in a recent Facebook post. At TripHopz, we support this incredible news and wish the Tasmanian cousins all the best with their new married life.

Greeley’s best man Dunn D described his role as the “offical celebrant for this special moment” [sic] as an honour. However, he is now copping flack from the LGBT community for selecting the “Haha” react on the marriage confirmation post. Greeley though, does not appear to be holding a grudge over it, as he is currently leading a campaign to get Dunn’s new album to number one.

The couple decided to tie the knot after Greelz was freed from jail after “serving” a period of time which included the release of Complete’s debut album which they took ten years to make. It is believed that Greeley was hesitant to marry his lover while they didn’t have an album to their name. Sort of like getting engaged to a virgin, there never seemed to be the right time to make it happen when it wasn’t awkward.

But don’t take my word for it.

The truth behind our human race’s origin, and where we will end up in the future

Everyone wants to know where they came from, right? Well, most people do know, but what they tend to not know is where their early ancestors came from.

The truth is that no life began on Earth, all life crash landed from elsewhere. Dogs, cats and hippies were created in the Big Bang (which was fake) and swam around in nothingness until they found planets. They spread themselves between about 400 different planets (it’s funny because even numbers didn’t exist back then).

So on these different planets, they evolved differently, due to the different atmospheres, so when we see dogs and cats from different planets, they look nothing like our precious pets, except for those who came from alternate Earths, planets that coincidentally have similar atmospheres and similar dog and cat evolutions.

On heavily differing planets, these animals evolved with different body structures, one of which developed the arms and legs that we have today and the genius brains we now lack, and others of which grew fat bodies, long necks, stripy skin, and many more features that we are yet to see on Earth. So those animal species we now know are basically just differently evolved dogs and cats, some of which relocated to Planet Earth as we know it today, others found other planets and re-evolved in accordance to their atmospheres. In conclusion, the super-intelligent brains that the humans we are once had probably exist in similar animals with slightly different forms.

Dancing Alien X Files GIF by Polyvinyl Records

Above: A late species of what we now know as dogs from a nearby planet

So where might we end up in the future? Well, scientists are desperate to narrow down our options for future residence, so we need to act quickly in cashing in on places they haven’t found yet.

The most realistic option (unfortunately) is plain old, boring old Mars at this stage. But if you check the planet’s fast facts from our very own CNN, you’ll have a great understanding of how the not so distant planet could accommodate modern Earth’s expensive taste.

But here at CNN, we also believe that exoplanets are more liveable than our own planet. So our recently discovered second exoplanet could very well likely be more desirable than Mars for our future life, if we do happen to get bored of Earth.

As always, don’t take my word for it.

GoFundMe page to support local rapper hit with $2000 fine

Teenage backpack mumble raper Trippie XO (from Castlemaine) has been arrested and fined for vandalising school tables with his rapper name (which he stole). Moreso than his tag and his infamous Soundcloud rap songs, this ranga is famous for his gay Instagram selfies, every one of which involves a phone covering his mouth.

Capture

Besides, he’s set up an OFFICIAL GoFoundMe page to raise $2000 in order to pay off the fine. The article reads:

Sketchy Castlemaine rap dude Trippie XO has copped a big arse fine for doing some dumb shit that involves writing his name in a sexy font in tables across his school. This bloke is a bloody ripper and deserves to force us to pay off the fine for him. Donate ya pockets, clout goggles, guns, drugs, hoes and money to show ya support for him.

So the best option at this stage would probably be to do what the article says, as Trippie XO will probably be soon to move on to proper graffiti in the real world and get arrested for real and he’ll get shot so the money will end up going towards real Aussie rap.

gun

But don’t take my word for it.

Verbalize arrested for streaking in Perth

Ozzy freestyle god Verbalise has been recently sighted running in the buff around the meth capital of Western Australia. The naked man is famous for his nude freestyles around his local streets, which he regularly posts on Facebook. People often dismiss these stunts as good acting, as no one has ever caught him in the act until last week when he was stupid enough to do it at dusk, when all the junkies are out, ready to get stoned.

The bloke is honestly a legend who made a slightly poor decision. His first arrest was for freestyling to a dope beat that he made all by himself that was too boom bappy (too real) for the streets. Next, his weight was clowned down as he hadn’t yet eaten.

But don’t take my word for it.

Australian senator McGlock rages and breaks controller

The famous Ryan McGlock has had yet another one of his famous rage quits. He was playing Subway Surfers when his computer was locked, and he went full rage!!!

Image result for riley mclachlan

If anyone knows one thing about McGlock, it’s that he knows how to go full rage like a boss. The professional 2K player broke his milestone 100th controller of his career. He also noted it as an important achievement, being his first broken controller since Christmas.

McGlock is locally known as a good lad, especially when he acts like a rebel in English class, playing games that we all know he should be playing, but teachers don’t understand. So the creepy stalker guys saw his screen and instantly locked him out. And that’s when he went full rage! What a legend!

Approximately $24,900 worth of damage was caused by this rage quit. The 22 year old man may be sued or lose his job in parliament, but only time will tell. So don’t take my word for it.

Tasmanian man performs abortion on cousin with a pair of nail clippers

While it seems that there have been no abortion clinics in Tasmania for ages, Tasmanian people who are too poor to go to proper Australia for an abortion have been coming up with creative ways to stop their relatives from giving birth.

One particular man, by the name of Dick Lonergan from Launceston (way better than Hobart), who impregnated his cousin Emily late last year, attempted abortion by sticking a chainsaw in the womb to decapitate the foetus, who snatched the chainsaw and started attacking its father. Dick would later come back with a pair of nail clippers and choked his unborn child to death.

When questioned about the incident by Victoria Police, Dick said the following:

Emily was complaining about the baby kicking her from inside, and I knew I had to do something it because she is my favourite cousin. That little prick doesn’t deserve a chance at life and nobody who causes such pain for their mother and second cousin before birth has potential to be a good person.

Images of the incident are far to graphic for CNN’s standards, so you’re going to have to take my word for it this time around.

Rapper Bitter Belief fired from pasta factory

Italian rapper and occasional lasagna designer Bitter Belief has been fired from the pasta factory he created. The factory is called Amaro italiano, which is Italian for Italian Bitter (get it? Bitter?). He got fired for telling sign constructors that the English translation is “Victoria Bitter”, which was somehow believed. This was soon found to be yet another one of Bitter Belief’s attempts to suck up to Australia, with previous attempts including rapping in a fake Australian accent (which is so see through) and dropping some of the corniest bogan slang out there.

The false translation was discovered when Australian youngster DJ Spuddzz entered the factory to order some beers and a garlic bread and realised that the VBs were fake. Trust an Aussie teenager to know the difference between real and fake.

Above: DJ Spuddzz posing with some recycled beer

He complained to one of the after hours employees who had his leg stuck in a bottle of laundry powder. Of course, he didn’t speak English, but it didn’t matter because Victorian premier Daniel Johns was soon to sue Bitter Belief for using the name Bitter without his permission. Nothing came out of the court case, but many other Australian tourists to come followed the bandwagon of complaining. Bitter Belief was fired as soon as his after hours employee got his foot out of the washing machine, which the factory uses to cook pasta in.

Being honest, Bitter Belief full deserves to be broke for trying to suck up to Victoria when he already tells his fans (who hate him) that he’s from Perth. And in reality, all he did to claim his Australian status was Sydney for half an hour before getting chased back to Europe by his fans. What a delusional lunatic!

Bitter Belief is currently being investigated by Victoria Police and will hopefully learn a lesson from begging acceptance in Australian hip-hop.

Conor McGregor to be in AFL draft

Upon announcing his martial arts retirement via popular announcement service Twitter, Irish boxing person Conor McGregor has been rumoured to be on his way to Australia, most likely for the AFL Draft, which for some reason is the go-to place for most Irish immigrants.

Above: Conor McGregor at the 2018 Brownlow Medal

At just 24 years old and 175 cm tall, McGregor will be a surefire contender as an upcoming midfielder with an attitude. Plus, he’ll fit in, as swearing at umpires has become a new trend in the AFL, and the game’s getting a bit boring with the new rule changes, so a punch-on might spice things up a bit. Luckily for McGregor, these rules don’t specify any prohibition of violence.

McGregor will potentially be featured in one lucky team’s list for the 2020 AFL season. If we’re really lucky, he might even get drafted mid-season (probably into Collingwood, so he can force people to support him by knocking their teeth out).

But in the end, only time will tell what awaits this young midfielder.

Seth Sentry to join Russian military

ARIA winning rapper (and former American president?) Seth Sentry is looking to be the Russian military’s newest recruit. The 32 year old’s intentions are unclear as to why he would join them but only time will tell, so don’t take my word for it.

Above: Seth Sentry with his golden ARIA. Image is definitely not copyrighted.

Sentry’s previous intentions were for the Americans to blow the fucking moon up with a nuke before the Russians do, but we all know that didn’t happen, so he could either be succumbing to America’s traditional rivals or plotting a backstab.

Only time will tell what awaits this, but don’t take my word for it.