The truth behind our human race’s origin, and where we will end up in the future

Everyone wants to know where they came from, right? Well, most people do know, but what they tend to not know is where their early ancestors came from.

The truth is that no life began on Earth, all life crash landed from elsewhere. Dogs, cats and hippies were created in the Big Bang (which was fake) and swam around in nothingness until they found planets. They spread themselves between about 400 different planets (it’s funny because even numbers didn’t exist back then).

So on these different planets, they evolved differently, due to the different atmospheres, so when we see dogs and cats from different planets, they look nothing like our precious pets, except for those who came from alternate Earths, planets that coincidentally have similar atmospheres and similar dog and cat evolutions.

On heavily differing planets, these animals evolved with different body structures, one of which developed the arms and legs that we have today and the genius brains we now lack, and others of which grew fat bodies, long necks, stripy skin, and many more features that we are yet to see on Earth. So those animal species we now know are basically just differently evolved dogs and cats, some of which relocated to Planet Earth as we know it today, others found other planets and re-evolved in accordance to their atmospheres. In conclusion, the super-intelligent brains that the humans we are once had probably exist in similar animals with slightly different forms.

Dancing Alien X Files GIF by Polyvinyl Records

Above: A late species of what we now know as dogs from a nearby planet

So where might we end up in the future? Well, scientists are desperate to narrow down our options for future residence, so we need to act quickly in cashing in on places they haven’t found yet.

The most realistic option (unfortunately) is plain old, boring old Mars at this stage. But if you check the planet’s fast facts from our very own CNN, you’ll have a great understanding of how the not so distant planet could accommodate modern Earth’s expensive taste.

But here at CNN, we also believe that exoplanets are more liveable than our own planet. So our recently discovered second exoplanet could very well likely be more desirable than Mars for our future life, if we do happen to get bored of Earth.

As always, don’t take my word for it.

GoFundMe page to support local rapper hit with $2000 fine

Teenage backpack mumble raper Trippie XO (from Castlemaine) has been arrested and fined for vandalising school tables with his rapper name (which he stole). Moreso than his tag and his infamous Soundcloud rap songs, this ranga is famous for his gay Instagram selfies, every one of which involves a phone covering his mouth.

Capture

Besides, he’s set up an OFFICIAL GoFoundMe page to raise $2000 in order to pay off the fine. The article reads:

Sketchy Castlemaine rap dude Trippie XO has copped a big arse fine for doing some dumb shit that involves writing his name in a sexy font in tables across his school. This bloke is a bloody ripper and deserves to force us to pay off the fine for him. Donate ya pockets, clout goggles, guns, drugs, hoes and money to show ya support for him.

So the best option at this stage would probably be to do what the article says, as Trippie XO will probably be soon to move on to proper graffiti in the real world and get arrested for real and he’ll get shot so the money will end up going towards real Aussie rap.

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But don’t take my word for it.

“Egg Boy” to be in running for prime minister

Following a controversial debate as to whether the Mingler Party, lead by our saviour Will Connolly, should be allowed to run the country, statistics show that their votes would account for more than 70% of all Australians.

Above: Our hero Will Connolly surrounded by his very protective bodyguards

By smashing an egg on racist dickhead Fraser Anning’s head, Connolly rose to power and gained a huge following party on Facebook, where people have been campaigning to throw an egg at Anning on March 31st. Victoria Police have been in full support of these actions, and some officers have been bodyguarding the man voluntarily.

If the Mingler Party rises to power and gets elected on the coming May election, Will Connolly will be likely be named Prime Minister of Australia, meaning that we’ll actually have someone decent in power for a change. You can support the Will Connolly movement by throwing an egg at Fraser Anning or posting on Facebook.

But don’t take my word for it.

Participating in No Nut November can empower you with special powers

It’s that time of the year where everyone’s dicks are itching due to a lack of masturbation. Well, over the past week or so, there have been constant reports about new powers coming as a result of No Nut November.

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According to a news report, it only took twelve days for one dedicated man to gain the ability to levitate. With these reports blowing up worldwide, lots of teens have been signing up for NoFap.

So what powers will you unlock? Commit to No Nut November and you’ll find out.

Sovereign Hill review – is it worth visiting?

Sovereign Hill is a nice place near the beach in Ballarat that represents the gold rush of the medieval times. Some lads say that this representation isn’t that accurate but I don’t know about that. So that’s why I’m gonna be analysing some things about it in this essay. I’m mostly gonna be talking about the candle shop. So without further ado, let’s get into my in-depth review of Sovereign Hill.

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Candles were made from tallow back in the day, so they would naturally always be white, but the candle making lads would add some random stuff into the candles to give them colour. They used arsenic for the colour green, so some peeps would die from burning those things. Not that we’re supposed to have green candles in our houses. Personal use candles were always white, as mines had called shotgun on all the good colours as their trademarks. So if someone was caught with a coloured candle in their house, everyone thought it was stolen from a mine. The Sovereign Hill candle shop sells candles of any colour—including green—to any lad who walks into the shop; that’s not good.

Everyone knows that men are sexist pigs, and back in the gold rush times they had POWER too–this was before feminism took over. Because of this, women weren’t allowed to work in candle shops back in the day. But just about every candle at Sovereign Hill are made and sold by women. During the gold rush, just about every good job was for men. This is the WORST medieval representation EVER.

For a gold rush town, I’m DISGUSTED that they don’t sell any Will Shakespeare records at Sovereign Hill. Everybody knows that Will Shakespeare was the most prominent rapper during the gold rush, and it’s an utter DISGRACE to not sell his records in ANY gold rush shop. He’d be rolling in his grave if he knew that all of his hard work wasn’t paying off. Without Will Shakespeare, there would have been no gold rush, so Sovereign Hill is utterly disgusting to call themselves a gold rush town.

Not only is Sovereign Hill the ugliest town I’ve ever visited, but it does a TERRIBLE job of representing the gold rush. Who cares if it’s close to the beach anyway? It’s not even made of gold. The dumb people who built it took what should have been a Will Shakespeare record store and built a stupid candle shop (which sells GREEN candles) in its place. This is the worst gold rush representation EVER. DO NOT VISIT IT!

Kerser’s many secret children

Did you ever wonder if Western Sydney rapper Scott Barrow, better known by his rap alias Kerser, might possibly have kids? Well, on his most recent album Engraved In The Game, he did say something about a precious diamond. Whether that means he has a daughter or not, we’ve been able to locate a number of other kids who, thanks to CNN’s trustworthy genetics system, we have concluded to be children of the 31-year-old.

This intersex child named Richard is said to have been the product of Kerser’s love affair with personal trainer Michelle Bridges in 2006. When partner “Commando” Steve Willis found out, he stated that he didn’t mind and that he had three kids of his own before banging Michelle in 2013, according to trustworthy news website Wikipedia. The eleven year old is fortunate enough to have inherited Michelle’s buff-arse build rather than Kerser’s drug addict body, and now stands at 160 centimetres and a weight that we’re not going to risk asking, as we don’t know whether Dick is male or female–which we’re too afraid to ask, as any normal lad should be in this day and age.

Young rapper DJ Spuddzz has been confirmed to be the criminal rapper’s oldest child, as he was conceived in the winter of 2002 when Barrow, nearly fifteen at the time, produced his first single sperm. Named Charlie Champion at birth, the mother of this emerging rapper is unknown, as Wikipedia hasn’t published any stories about him yet, but it is said that he was born and raised in Blacktown, where he has been recently sighted. These days, he is famous for his itchy crotch which he rapped about for a WHOLE MINUTE in a Facebook rap video that went viral. This is said to be a genetic disorder from his father which makes it difficult to have children without getting AIDS in the process, making it unlikely that his daughter Nevaeh will ever get a sibling. He has also inherited other habits and disorders such as alcoholism, as shown in picture above where he’s trying to drink beer from a can balancing from the Brisbane Renegades hat he’s wearing. In the 2011 hit “You Know Me”, Kerser rapped the lyric “Twenty years from now, your kids knowin’ the name. My kids will have your kids goin’ insane”, and I can really imagine that DJ Spuddzz will be running the rap biz in 2031, when he’ll be 28, and I can imagine my kids going insane to his music when he raps about real problems like having itchy balls and not just bitches and gangstas and stolen cars.

Eight year old Justin Sider was most unfortunate to inherit his father’s skinny build and bad eyesight but was smart enough to wear glasses unlike his father. His mother Lillian Sider stated in a recent interview with CNN that she was raped by the raper in late 2009 while her husband was chasing him for stealing his dope. Prior to the interview, everyone thought Justin was the biological son of Lillian and her husband. Lillian never told her husband what really happened, as she planned to complain about it twenty years after the incident.

With the release of his Next Step album in 2015, Kerser was reported to have had a child with Tracy Grimshaw, who he savagely dissed in sum of his sick tracks!!! No pictures have been revealed but we have an artist’s impression of what the child should look like above.

But don’t take my word for it.

New candies Eminems and MGKs send the whole world into a craze

Editor’s note: This article is about American junk food so don’t feel like we’re being unAustralian by using the term “candy”.

If you’re like me, you’ve probably wondered at some point why your news feed is full of posts that use words you don’t understand like “Eminem” or “MGK”. Well it turns out that new candy brand MGK is beefing with legendary brand Eminem, who recently changed their name from M&M, which they were known as for a long time. The beef started back in 1997 when MGK called one of M&M’s workers Hailie “hot as fuck”. But before we go into detail, you might need to know some stuff about both brands.

Eminem is an award winning candy brand from Mars that was established during medieval times under the name M&M, which took after the initials of Marshall Mathers, the founder of the company. Skip forward to the twenty-first century when worker Slim Shady suggested that they should change their name to Eminem because “good companies always have actual words in their brand names” as he said in a posthumous interview with CNN. In 2009, M&M changed their brand name in respect to the late worker who committed suicide in 2004 during the curtains down stage of an encore.

MGK is a more recent brand that was established in 1990 but didn’t get much recognition until 2018 when Eminems were being dropped by some surprise kamikaze pilot who called out MGK. Three days later, Kelly the Rap Devil fired at Eminem with his machine gun. Nearly two weeks later, Eminem dropped their new product KILLSHOT, which sold 38 MILLION units within a DAY!!! Apparently it’s some kind of trap, and others say that it’s fire, but to me it just tastes like regular Eminems.

Based on these wicked facts, Eminem must have won the beef – although it is extremely odd that a candy brand would have “beef” with each other, especially since their products are basically vegan friendly – but we can only wait to see what MGK brings for us in the future.

Don’t take my word for it.