All rangas being herded to concentration camp after suspicions of carrying diseases

World War III is finally on the rise.

The racism of the medieval 1930s has come back, in the form of anti-ranga discrimination. Reports suggest that a person with a specific hair colour have been responsible for the spreading of rabies, herpes, FUD (Fire us Disease, leading cause of unemployment) and HIV. Millennials suggest that it’s caused by computers but traditional Aussies know that rangas are to blame.

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Pictured above: Man has lost teeth just minutes after meeting infamous ranga

Concentration camps are now active all across Ireland and other European countries to exterminate the orange-haired disasters.

Adolf Hitler is now suing Indian prime minister Russell Coight for not only stealing his idea of concentration camps but the glorious trademark beard of Chuck Norris (RIP).

It is unknown as to which countries will ally with us. But in the meantime, prepare, act and don’t survive.

Bill Cosby killed after breaking out of jail

The day we have been dreading has finally come. Bill Cosby has been assassinated.

The legendary basketball player was sentenced to jail earlier this year when multiple charges were pressed against him for sexual assault. One in particular accused Cosby of raping pop superstar Justin Bieber shortly after a particular tragedy back in 2011. Bieber’s passing in 2015 sparked rumours that she had contracted fatal sexually transmitted infections during the assault (aren’t there a lot of those going around now?). The rest of the victims were people that no one cared about because they were merely relatives of class B celebrities who haven’t been relevant for years. Victoria Police decided to lock him up anyway; ’cause we all know he’s guilty until proven innocent.

On the 25th of December, Cosby announced on Twitter that he was free from prison. What a great Thanksgiving present! But it turned out he wasn’t free at all. He had broken out while sharing a cigarette with the security guard. When the guard tweeted Cosby asking him where he left his cigarettes, Cosby told him that he lost them in the swimming pool of his hotel room. The guard shortly died of a nicotine relief. The story would’ve died with the guard but luckily the brother of rap legend Eminem was there to leak the story onto the internet, as he does.

An hour later, Cosby was shot in the neck while shopping for fishing rods in Amsterdam. He was pronounced dead by Victoria Police twenty seconds later. Just minutes after the death, Kerser’s 1993 hit “Cosby Sweater” became the most downloaded song EVER, picking up more than 10 MILLION downloads on iTunes in that day alone. RIP.

Tributes to the late theatre personality came flowing in from all around the world, from France to Mars. This will go down as a very sad day for the soap opera industry.

Lukas Graham contracts multiple STIs

7 year old singer Lukas Graham has recently contracted multiple fatal sexually transmitted infections; including crabs, Chlamydia and herpes. According to popular news website Wikipedia, the diseases came from a terrorist fan who showed up to his concert to spread the dreaded horror.

Sexually transmitted infections have an ugly history with the Graham family, with his sister prematurely dying of hepatitis and his father dying of Ligma.

We pray for this child as he sleeps under his dream catcher.

Celebrity schoolgirl missing

Iconic Austrian school girl teenager Ellen Barba has gone missing today. Her parents suggest that she saw a cupcake and chased after it shortly before disappearing. CNN suggests that she was rather running away from school and didn’t want to take tests.

If you have sighted this 13 year old person, please contact Victoria Police on Twitter.

Dr. Seuss dead at 73

Legendary children’s rapper Dr. Seuss has died from a series of strokes. He was rushed to Dr. Dre (who is apparently NOT a colleague of his) but was unable to be revived.

RIP Dr Seuss (1995-1599)

Dr. Seuss was basically the child of gangsta rap. He will be remembered for his 1960 smash hit “Green Eggs And Ham” and multi-platinum album Oh The Thinks You Can Think, which was his debut record released on Obese Records.

He was one half of the legendary duo Bad Meats Evil along with 50 Cent, which was one of the first recognised vegan hip hop acts, and a member of the KRS-One posse.

Dr. Seuss was actually first reported to be dead back in 1973, but these were just creatively constructed rumours from his haters, before starting a death hoax was as easy as posting rubbish on Twitter. Speaking of Twitter, here are some of the tweets that were sent out by people with VERIFIED accounts that confirmed the media personality’s death:

Disclaimer: Turns out that Kerser got unverified by Victoria Police, but don’t worry, it’s all fine.

TripHopz: Instagram star?

Well, now that teenagers love us, we’re gonna be listed as sellouts.

TripHopz has seemingly blown up on gay teen social media app Instagram, thanks to our review of Thundamentals’ new album I Love Songs, which is weird ’cause TripHopz doesn’t even have an Instagram page for fanboys to follow, which would be a stupid thing for a photography app.

Here are the stats from October 24, the day after the article’s publishing:

Just in case you’re too dumb to understand what this means, the review got 335 views on October 24 and 319 of which were redirections from Instagram. It also reached TEN DIFFERENT COUNTRIES. The most popular country was clearly Straya, followed by Americans, British guys and a bunch of triggered Austrians who probably don’t know how to take a joke about their fellow citizens. World War III coming up soon!!!

So what does this say about TripHopz? The next hot underground thing ruined by teenage fans? Only time will reveal what karma awaits this popularity surge.

As always, don’t take my word for it.

End of the Gucci Gang era

Japanese rapper Lil Pump has died after being brutally assassinated. The body of the rapper was found by Victoria Police and taken to the circus, where they presumed he belonged. After the circus confirmed that it was NOT one of their clowns, the body was taken to jail, where it was recognised and identified as LIL PUMP! His death was instantly followed by his boyfriend SmokePurpp committing suicide, I don’t know who that was but good riddance.

Lil Pump will be remembered as a bandwagoner (someone who follows trends because they’re trendy) who follows a lot of stupid trends. Remember when it was cool to not wash your hair because it meant you were defiant of your parents’ orders? Well some people take it so far to the point where they develop fucking DREADLOCKS! He jumps on the bandwagon of putting Lil at the start of your rap name (there’s like 600 of those fags these days) as well as getting murdered. He also autotuned sex noises for his music, which is trendy.

As well as following trends, he set the trend of thinking it’s gangsta to wear Gucci, although this is because Lil Pump is yet another fag rapper with a sponsor, another dumb trend that he followed.

Apart from this, he’ll be remembered for his savage diss track “Fuck J. Cole” which featured some of the most brutal disses in hip-hop history and ended J. Cole’s career.

The assassination does not seem suspicious as it is considered perfectly normal to murder a rapper for NO REASON AT ALL in this day and age. It was reported that the murderer was a dumb prick who mistook the clown/rapper for his twin brother 6ix9ine, which would be stupid considering that 6ix9ine is clearly the smarter twin who actually might wash his hair once in a while despite the fact that he eats WAY too many Skittles and clearly NEVER brushes his teeth.

When the sketchy internet guys confirmed the death, tweets started flying through with family friends, drug dealers and other actors paying tribute to the rapper on Twitter.

Lil Pump now represents the Gucci Gang in heaven. With this fag off the face of the earth, no one will be wasting their money on an expensive fashion brand that has nothing to do with gangstas. The silly Gucci Gang era has finally come to an end.

Ja Rule tickets now on sale for just 50 cents!!! 200 tickets sold!!!

Do you wanna go a concert but feel held back by the fact that you’re an absolute cheapskate? Well good news for you, Ja Rule’s in town. On November 9, he will be performing at Arlington Stadium in Sydney, Australasia.

This concert is perfect for you if you are a cheapskate. A little known fact about cheapskates is that they tend to have bad tastes in music. Perfect!

Local rapper Kerser was first to get onto the tickets, as he wanted a front seat. He thought they were $100 each so he paid the money over. As no one else had bought tickets, and it was looking likely that no one would ever, he received 200 tickets rather than the $99.50 change he should have got.

With these tickets sold, the front rows are all sold out, so if you were hoping to get a front row seat to throw tomatoes at Ja Rule, you’re out of luck. Now that that thought is out of the picture, nobody wants to get tickets so it’s looking like Ja will be performing to an empty crowd (if that’s still a crowd), as even Kerser won’t be attending the gig after he was recently involved in a car crash.

As always, don’t take my word for it.

DJ Khaled fired from Burger King

Biggie Smalls wannabe and Briggs lookalike DJ Khaled has been fired from his job working at local café Burger King after he was caught eating on the job.

DJ Khaled is most famous for Snapchatting his wife giving birth, as well as his number one hits “We Tha Best”, “The Real Slim Shady” and “Another One”.

DJ Khaled weighs close to 500 kg, so it’s no surprise that the first few people who caught him got squashed. He was initially caught eating burgers out of customers’ orders but then he started eating the customers who complained about not getting their burgers, leaving ZERO living witnesses. This went on for weeks, maybe even MONTHS, until fellow workers caught him eating on the job. DJ Khaled, being the dumb cunt he is, never thought of what he should do in this situation. But he didn’t think through it–he just ate them as well. When Burger King Rick Ross noticed that employees were going missing on the job, Khaled was his first suspect, although he denied all rumours via his famous and well-respected Snapchat story.

Despite the denials, Khaled was quick to retain the spot as top suspect when all other employees were proven innocent, except for a few sketchy guys who were later eaten. With the suspicions hot, Ross closely watched him on the job. Just thirty seconds into the shift, while Ross was rolling a joint, Khaled ate a customer and his triple cheeseburger order. When he realised that he had a witness, he quickly ate his employer. Unfortunately for him, a fellow worker had Snapchatted this incident, and the video of DJ Khaled eating Rick Ross quickly became a hot topic and caused Khaled to lose some followers. He was fired on the spot.

With no job, DJ Khaled now spends more time looking for old finished music that he can steal and release on his own name with fresh lyrics that he does NOT write.

You can check out DJ Khaled’s music on the world wide web (though I recommend that you don’t).

We are all doomed (SkipHopz is dead)

Due to a lack of posts in the past year, we can jump to the conclusion that SkipHopz, our number one article writer, is certainly dead. Common assumptions show that the legendary writer died at the funeral of Bias B, whose tragic death was posted by SkipHopz on November 4 2011. CNN, who were first to jump to the conclusion, described the death as “a most unfortunate loss to our ugly world”.

CNN was kinda happy to hand the open writing job to TripHopz, SkipHopz’s editor. This is not really good news though because with an editor in the top job there will be more proper writing and heaps less grammatical mistakes, which will sadly put the role of an editor out of the picture, leaving one more person homeless. This will also mean that serious and definitely not fake news stories will be replaced with shitty jokes.

Don’t take my word for it! Here’s what people have said about these things:

Don’t worry, I will not disappoint you. I will make this new magazine funnier than the old one. I will make sure that every edition includes jokes, funny stories and probably even comic strips.

—TripHopz, new writer

It was a dumb magazine anyway.

—Steve

I knew I had to close Obese Records before something like this happened.

—Pegz

It’s so dumb. Why are still we letting people read this fake news?

—Dave

I didn’t know I was capable of things like this.

—PeteTheMurderer

We are doomed as a news company, we can’t let this keep happening as it does.

—Phil Kent, CNN Boss

Now you’re wondering how CNN got over this death and could give the new role to some other random guy. Well our long time editor TripHopz stumbled across an old SkipHopz article from 2010 and was amazed at how profession the writing was. “I [knew] it was [real],” he stated “and I was [satisfied when I found out] that it was.” The next day, he read through a number of various SkipHopz articles published over the years. “I [was incredibly amazed at how well they documented these true stories with these] articles.” That very day, he decided that he would be CNN’s new official writer. Had Weapon X and Ken Hell not died eight years ago, CNN would likely have been one magazine short this year.

To further prove that we are doomed, CNN has joined the tragic population of people who upgrade websites to something more modern. That’s right, we’ve gone from Blogspot to WordPress, which is four years newer.

TripHopz will be published annually starting this year (2018), continuing the CNN tradition followed with SkipHopz for eight years.