“Egg Boy” to be in running for prime minister

Following a controversial debate as to whether the Mingler Party, lead by our saviour Will Connolly, should be allowed to run the country, statistics show that their votes would account for more than 70% of all Australians.

Above: Our hero Will Connolly surrounded by his very protective bodyguards

By smashing an egg on racist dickhead Fraser Anning’s head, Connolly rose to power and gained a huge following party on Facebook, where people have been campaigning to throw an egg at Anning on March 31st. Victoria Police have been in full support of these actions, and some officers have been bodyguarding the man voluntarily.

If the Mingler Party rises to power and gets elected on the coming May election, Will Connolly will be likely be named Prime Minister of Australia, meaning that we’ll actually have someone decent in power for a change. You can support the Will Connolly movement by throwing an egg at Fraser Anning or posting on Facebook.

But don’t take my word for it.

Russian dudes blew up the moon – in 1969

The time where we get to witness the moon’s explosion is very near.

According to some trustworthy conspiracy theory, some Russian people must have been successful in nuking the moon when they attempted back in 1969.

To end the infamous Russia vs America war, Russian president Kim Jong Un sent Apollo 11 into space to blow up the moon with a nuke. The Americans got there first, but they fucked up by planting a Canadian flag on it. The Russians later blew it up.

George Bush (RIP) denied that the Russians had won the war, although a little known fact about the moon is that it’s actually 50 light years away, therefore, when we look at the sky, what we’re seeing actually happened 50 years ago.

This year, we must be on the lookout for moon explosions, as the war’s ending’s 50th anniversary is in just a few months. Wear 3D glasses for full effect.

Since we’ve sold out, we now have to show an advertisement for these 3D glasses. Sorry.

As always, don’t take my word for it.

All rangas being herded to concentration camp after suspicions of carrying diseases

World War III is finally on the rise.

The racism of the medieval 1930s has come back, in the form of anti-ranga discrimination. Reports suggest that a person with a specific hair colour have been responsible for the spreading of rabies, herpes, FUD (Fire us Disease, leading cause of unemployment) and HIV. Millennials suggest that it’s caused by computers but traditional Aussies know that rangas are to blame.

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Pictured above: Man has lost teeth just minutes after meeting infamous ranga

Concentration camps are now active all across Ireland and other European countries to exterminate the orange-haired disasters.

Adolf Hitler is now suing Indian prime minister Russell Coight for not only stealing his idea of concentration camps but the glorious trademark beard of Chuck Norris (RIP).

It is unknown as to which countries will ally with us. But in the meantime, prepare, act and don’t survive.

TripHopz 2018 magazine delayed

I would like to apologise to those who were expected a TripHopz magazine at the end of 2018. The magazine was made, featuring all published articles from 2018, though it was not printed due to page sizing difficulties. Once we suss this out, the magazine should be printed some time this month. Keep an eye out for it in a news agency near you, or check our store page here and there in case it appears.

Bill Cosby killed after breaking out of jail

The day we have been dreading has finally come. Bill Cosby has been assassinated.

The legendary basketball player was sentenced to jail earlier this year when multiple charges were pressed against him for sexual assault. One in particular accused Cosby of raping pop superstar Justin Bieber shortly after a particular tragedy back in 2011. Bieber’s passing in 2015 sparked rumours that she had contracted fatal sexually transmitted infections during the assault (aren’t there a lot of those going around now?). The rest of the victims were people that no one cared about because they were merely relatives of class B celebrities who haven’t been relevant for years. Victoria Police decided to lock him up anyway; ’cause we all know he’s guilty until proven innocent.

On the 25th of December, Cosby announced on Twitter that he was free from prison. What a great Thanksgiving present! But it turned out he wasn’t free at all. He had broken out while sharing a cigarette with the security guard. When the guard tweeted Cosby asking him where he left his cigarettes, Cosby told him that he lost them in the swimming pool of his hotel room. The guard shortly died of a nicotine relief. The story would’ve died with the guard but luckily the brother of rap legend Eminem was there to leak the story onto the internet, as he does.

An hour later, Cosby was shot in the neck while shopping for fishing rods in Amsterdam. He was pronounced dead by Victoria Police twenty seconds later. Just minutes after the death, Kerser’s 1993 hit “Cosby Sweater” became the most downloaded song EVER, picking up more than 10 MILLION downloads on iTunes in that day alone. RIP.

Tributes to the late theatre personality came flowing in from all around the world, from France to Mars. This will go down as a very sad day for the soap opera industry.

Lukas Graham contracts multiple STIs

7 year old singer Lukas Graham has recently contracted multiple fatal sexually transmitted infections; including crabs, Chlamydia and herpes. According to popular news website Wikipedia, the diseases came from a terrorist fan who showed up to his concert to spread the dreaded horror.

Sexually transmitted infections have an ugly history with the Graham family, with his sister prematurely dying of hepatitis and his father dying of Ligma.

We pray for this child as he sleeps under his dream catcher.

New Hilltop Hoods song and album announced

The Australian hip-hop veterans are back. They recently announced their new album The Great Expanse, which will be released early next year, as well as the new single “Leave Me Lonely”. The single was premiered with an interesting music video which looked like a gold rush film with some lyrics on screen and some spelling mistakes.

So is the song hot? Well, for starters, it sounds like a very rushed song. It was presumably written, produced, recorded and mixed in one hour-long session at their plutonic lab studio. It starts with an old school guitar riff, which sort of backs up the gold rush theme of the video. And then pressure and suffer start rapping, and they sound like they’re really impatient to get out of the booth and go home to change their kids’ nappies.

Their lyrics and flow on this song has changed since their last album The Calling. It’s about doing hardcore drugs, mostly weed and ecstasy. They also reference a classic from Vents: “I have to hide in the shadows”. The hook is catchy too.

The video is blowing up worldwide, and it’s on track to be the most viewed video EVER, given that it keeps gaining views at this rate for more than a thousand years and no other video gets any more views.

This song is dope. It’s a surefire hit to blow up on the charts. If it doesn’t, you can still support the song by buying it for the low price of $2.19. Plus, the album will be coming out just weeks before the new Kerser album, so you’ll have a nice present to get for your grandparents before you spend all of your money on yourself.

Get behind these guys and support Aussie hip-hop.

Celebrity schoolgirl missing

Iconic Austrian school girl teenager Ellen Barba has gone missing today. Her parents suggest that she saw a cupcake and chased after it shortly before disappearing. CNN suggests that she was rather running away from school and didn’t want to take tests.

If you have sighted this 13 year old person, please contact Victoria Police on Twitter.

Participating in No Nut November can empower you with special powers

It’s that time of the year where everyone’s dicks are itching due to a lack of masturbation. Well, over the past week or so, there have been constant reports about new powers coming as a result of No Nut November.

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According to a news report, it only took twelve days for one dedicated man to gain the ability to levitate. With these reports blowing up worldwide, lots of teens have been signing up for NoFap.

So what powers will you unlock? Commit to No Nut November and you’ll find out.

Sovereign Hill review – is it worth visiting?

Sovereign Hill is a nice place near the beach in Ballarat that represents the gold rush of the medieval times. Some lads say that this representation isn’t that accurate but I don’t know about that. So that’s why I’m gonna be analysing some things about it in this essay. I’m mostly gonna be talking about the candle shop. So without further ado, let’s get into my in-depth review of Sovereign Hill.

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Candles were made from tallow back in the day, so they would naturally always be white, but the candle making lads would add some random stuff into the candles to give them colour. They used arsenic for the colour green, so some peeps would die from burning those things. Not that we’re supposed to have green candles in our houses. Personal use candles were always white, as mines had called shotgun on all the good colours as their trademarks. So if someone was caught with a coloured candle in their house, everyone thought it was stolen from a mine. The Sovereign Hill candle shop sells candles of any colour—including green—to any lad who walks into the shop; that’s not good.

Everyone knows that men are sexist pigs, and back in the gold rush times they had POWER too–this was before feminism took over. Because of this, women weren’t allowed to work in candle shops back in the day. But just about every candle at Sovereign Hill are made and sold by women. During the gold rush, just about every good job was for men. This is the WORST medieval representation EVER.

For a gold rush town, I’m DISGUSTED that they don’t sell any Will Shakespeare records at Sovereign Hill. Everybody knows that Will Shakespeare was the most prominent rapper during the gold rush, and it’s an utter DISGRACE to not sell his records in ANY gold rush shop. He’d be rolling in his grave if he knew that all of his hard work wasn’t paying off. Without Will Shakespeare, there would have been no gold rush, so Sovereign Hill is utterly disgusting to call themselves a gold rush town.

Not only is Sovereign Hill the ugliest town I’ve ever visited, but it does a TERRIBLE job of representing the gold rush. Who cares if it’s close to the beach anyway? It’s not even made of gold. The dumb people who built it took what should have been a Will Shakespeare record store and built a stupid candle shop (which sells GREEN candles) in its place. This is the worst gold rush representation EVER. DO NOT VISIT IT!