Dr. Seuss dead at 73

Legendary children’s rapper Dr. Seuss has died from a series of strokes. He was rushed to Dr. Dre (who is apparently NOT a colleague of his) but was unable to be revived.

RIP Dr Seuss (1995-1599)

Dr. Seuss was basically the child of gangsta rap. He will be remembered for his 1960 smash hit “Green Eggs And Ham” and multi-platinum album Oh The Thinks You Can Think, which was his debut record released on Obese Records.

He was one half of the legendary duo Bad Meats Evil along with 50 Cent, which was one of the first recognised vegan hip hop acts, and a member of the KRS-One posse.

Dr. Seuss was actually first reported to be dead back in 1973, but these were just creatively constructed rumours from his haters, before starting a death hoax was as easy as posting rubbish on Twitter. Speaking of Twitter, here are some of the tweets that were sent out by people with VERIFIED accounts that confirmed the media personality’s death:

Disclaimer: Turns out that Kerser got unverified by Victoria Police, but don’t worry, it’s all fine.

TripHopz: Instagram star?

Well, now that teenagers love us, we’re gonna be listed as sellouts.

TripHopz has seemingly blown up on gay teen social media app Instagram, thanks to our review of Thundamentals’ new album I Love Songs, which is weird ’cause TripHopz doesn’t even have an Instagram page for fanboys to follow, which would be a stupid thing for a photography app.

Here are the stats from October 24, the day after the article’s publishing:

Just in case you’re too dumb to understand what this means, the review got 335 views on October 24 and 319 of which were redirections from Instagram. It also reached TEN DIFFERENT COUNTRIES. The most popular country was clearly Straya, followed by Americans, British guys and a bunch of triggered Austrians who probably don’t know how to take a joke about their fellow citizens. World War III coming up soon!!!

So what does this say about TripHopz? The next hot underground thing ruined by teenage fans? Only time will reveal what karma awaits this popularity surge.

As always, don’t take my word for it.

End of the Gucci Gang era

Japanese rapper Lil Pump has died after being brutally assassinated. The body of the rapper was found by Victoria Police and taken to the circus, where they presumed he belonged. After the circus confirmed that it was NOT one of their clowns, the body was taken to jail, where it was recognised and identified as LIL PUMP! His death was instantly followed by his boyfriend SmokePurpp committing suicide, I don’t know who that was but good riddance.

Lil Pump will be remembered as a bandwagoner (someone who follows trends because they’re trendy) who follows a lot of stupid trends. Remember when it was cool to not wash your hair because it meant you were defiant of your parents’ orders? Well some people take it so far to the point where they develop fucking DREADLOCKS! He jumps on the bandwagon of putting Lil at the start of your rap name (there’s like 600 of those fags these days) as well as getting murdered. He also autotuned sex noises for his music, which is trendy.

As well as following trends, he set the trend of thinking it’s gangsta to wear Gucci, although this is because Lil Pump is yet another fag rapper with a sponsor, another dumb trend that he followed.

Apart from this, he’ll be remembered for his savage diss track “Fuck J. Cole” which featured some of the most brutal disses in hip-hop history and ended J. Cole’s career.

The assassination does not seem suspicious as it is considered perfectly normal to murder a rapper for NO REASON AT ALL in this day and age. It was reported that the murderer was a dumb prick who mistook the clown/rapper for his twin brother 6ix9ine, which would be stupid considering that 6ix9ine is clearly the smarter twin who actually might wash his hair once in a while despite the fact that he eats WAY too many Skittles and clearly NEVER brushes his teeth.

When the sketchy internet guys confirmed the death, tweets started flying through with family friends, drug dealers and other actors paying tribute to the rapper on Twitter.

Lil Pump now represents the Gucci Gang in heaven. With this fag off the face of the earth, no one will be wasting their money on an expensive fashion brand that has nothing to do with gangstas. The silly Gucci Gang era has finally come to an end.

Ja Rule tickets now on sale for just 50 cents!!! 200 tickets sold!!!

Do you wanna go a concert but feel held back by the fact that you’re an absolute cheapskate? Well good news for you, Ja Rule’s in town. On November 9, he will be performing at Arlington Stadium in Sydney, Australasia.

This concert is perfect for you if you are a cheapskate. A little known fact about cheapskates is that they tend to have bad tastes in music. Perfect!

Local rapper Kerser was first to get onto the tickets, as he wanted a front seat. He thought they were $100 each so he paid the money over. As no one else had bought tickets, and it was looking likely that no one would ever, he received 200 tickets rather than the $99.50 change he should have got.

With these tickets sold, the front rows are all sold out, so if you were hoping to get a front row seat to throw tomatoes at Ja Rule, you’re out of luck. Now that that thought is out of the picture, nobody wants to get tickets so it’s looking like Ja will be performing to an empty crowd (if that’s still a crowd), as even Kerser won’t be attending the gig after he was recently involved in a car crash.

As always, don’t take my word for it.

Kerser’s many secret children

Did you ever wonder if Western Sydney rapper Scott Barrow, better known by his rap alias Kerser, might possibly have kids? Well, on his most recent album Engraved In The Game, he did say something about a precious diamond. Whether that means he has a daughter or not, we’ve been able to locate a number of other kids who, thanks to CNN’s trustworthy genetics system, we have concluded to be children of the 31-year-old.

This intersex child named Richard is said to have been the product of Kerser’s love affair with personal trainer Michelle Bridges in 2006. When partner “Commando” Steve Willis found out, he stated that he didn’t mind and that he had three kids of his own before banging Michelle in 2013, according to trustworthy news website Wikipedia. The eleven year old is fortunate enough to have inherited Michelle’s buff-arse build rather than Kerser’s drug addict body, and now stands at 160 centimetres and a weight that we’re not going to risk asking, as we don’t know whether Dick is male or female–which we’re too afraid to ask, as any normal lad should be in this day and age.

Young rapper DJ Spuddzz has been confirmed to be the criminal rapper’s oldest child, as he was conceived in the winter of 2002 when Barrow, nearly fifteen at the time, produced his first single sperm. Named Charlie Champion at birth, the mother of this emerging rapper is unknown, as Wikipedia hasn’t published any stories about him yet, but it is said that he was born and raised in Blacktown, where he has been recently sighted. These days, he is famous for his itchy crotch which he rapped about for a WHOLE MINUTE in a Facebook rap video that went viral. This is said to be a genetic disorder from his father which makes it difficult to have children without getting AIDS in the process, making it unlikely that his daughter Nevaeh will ever get a sibling. He has also inherited other habits and disorders such as alcoholism, as shown in picture above where he’s trying to drink beer from a can balancing from the Brisbane Renegades hat he’s wearing. In the 2011 hit “You Know Me”, Kerser rapped the lyric “Twenty years from now, your kids knowin’ the name. My kids will have your kids goin’ insane”, and I can really imagine that DJ Spuddzz will be running the rap biz in 2031, when he’ll be 28, and I can imagine my kids going insane to his music when he raps about real problems like having itchy balls and not just bitches and gangstas and stolen cars.

Eight year old Justin Sider was most unfortunate to inherit his father’s skinny build and bad eyesight but was smart enough to wear glasses unlike his father. His mother Lillian Sider stated in a recent interview with CNN that she was raped by the raper in late 2009 while her husband was chasing him for stealing his dope. Prior to the interview, everyone thought Justin was the biological son of Lillian and her husband. Lillian never told her husband what really happened, as she planned to complain about it twenty years after the incident.

With the release of his Next Step album in 2015, Kerser was reported to have had a child with Tracy Grimshaw, who he savagely dissed in sum of his sick tracks!!! No pictures have been revealed but we have an artist’s impression of what the child should look like above.

But don’t take my word for it.

I love songs by Thundamentals

Thundermentals are some Austrian heavy metal rappers. They are made up of Tucker, Jewson, DJ MORGS and Poncho. They recently released their new album I Love Songs.

Their lyrics and music is very romantic. Jewson likes to sing about his overdose and can also rap in Spanish. That’s some talent right there.

The album starts with a really choppy beat and some really weird singing. But it’s dope. Tucker starts rapping about fifty seconds in. Nice!

The rest of the songs are pretty much on the same note. A stand out track is “Catch Me If You Can”. It sounds a bit like an Ed Sheeran song, (I forget which one) but it’s dope!

The last song on the album features Adrian Eagle, the most overrated singer of 2018. Everyone knew him as a big up-and-comer until he ruined the new Hilltop Hoods single. But apart from that, the song’s dope! It features some rapping in Spanish. I can’t understand it but it’s catchy and dope. Jewson and Tucker sound like they’ve been doing this for a while. Dope!

This album is catchy and romantic and dope. You can get it off iTunes for the low price of $14.99, plus you can get it at a shop or illegally download it off their Myspace.

But don’t take my word for it. Here’s what some other guys are saying:

I love songs too!!!

—Johnny

I haven’t listened to the album but it’s dope!

—Chaz

Their accents have to be some of the weirdest things I’ve ever heard.

—Jackie

I’d rather listen to a metronome.

—Sourpuss

DJ Khaled fired from Burger King

Biggie Smalls wannabe and Briggs lookalike DJ Khaled has been fired from his job working at local café Burger King after he was caught eating on the job.

DJ Khaled is most famous for Snapchatting his wife giving birth, as well as his number one hits “We Tha Best”, “The Real Slim Shady” and “Another One”.

DJ Khaled weighs close to 500 kg, so it’s no surprise that the first few people who caught him got squashed. He was initially caught eating burgers out of customers’ orders but then he started eating the customers who complained about not getting their burgers, leaving ZERO living witnesses. This went on for weeks, maybe even MONTHS, until fellow workers caught him eating on the job. DJ Khaled, being the dumb cunt he is, never thought of what he should do in this situation. But he didn’t think through it–he just ate them as well. When Burger King Rick Ross noticed that employees were going missing on the job, Khaled was his first suspect, although he denied all rumours via his famous and well-respected Snapchat story.

Despite the denials, Khaled was quick to retain the spot as top suspect when all other employees were proven innocent, except for a few sketchy guys who were later eaten. With the suspicions hot, Ross closely watched him on the job. Just thirty seconds into the shift, while Ross was rolling a joint, Khaled ate a customer and his triple cheeseburger order. When he realised that he had a witness, he quickly ate his employer. Unfortunately for him, a fellow worker had Snapchatted this incident, and the video of DJ Khaled eating Rick Ross quickly became a hot topic and caused Khaled to lose some followers. He was fired on the spot.

With no job, DJ Khaled now spends more time looking for old finished music that he can steal and release on his own name with fresh lyrics that he does NOT write.

You can check out DJ Khaled’s music on the world wide web (though I recommend that you don’t).

New candies Eminems and MGKs send the whole world into a craze

Editor’s note: This article is about American junk food so don’t feel like we’re being unAustralian by using the term “candy”.

If you’re like me, you’ve probably wondered at some point why your news feed is full of posts that use words you don’t understand like “Eminem” or “MGK”. Well it turns out that new candy brand MGK is beefing with legendary brand Eminem, who recently changed their name from M&M, which they were known as for a long time. The beef started back in 1997 when MGK called one of M&M’s workers Hailie “hot as fuck”. But before we go into detail, you might need to know some stuff about both brands.

Eminem is an award winning candy brand from Mars that was established during medieval times under the name M&M, which took after the initials of Marshall Mathers, the founder of the company. Skip forward to the twenty-first century when worker Slim Shady suggested that they should change their name to Eminem because “good companies always have actual words in their brand names” as he said in a posthumous interview with CNN. In 2009, M&M changed their brand name in respect to the late worker who committed suicide in 2004 during the curtains down stage of an encore.

MGK is a more recent brand that was established in 1990 but didn’t get much recognition until 2018 when Eminems were being dropped by some surprise kamikaze pilot who called out MGK. Three days later, Kelly the Rap Devil fired at Eminem with his machine gun. Nearly two weeks later, Eminem dropped their new product KILLSHOT, which sold 38 MILLION units within a DAY!!! Apparently it’s some kind of trap, and others say that it’s fire, but to me it just tastes like regular Eminems.

Based on these wicked facts, Eminem must have won the beef – although it is extremely odd that a candy brand would have “beef” with each other, especially since their products are basically vegan friendly – but we can only wait to see what MGK brings for us in the future.

Don’t take my word for it.

We are all doomed (SkipHopz is dead)

Due to a lack of posts in the past year, we can jump to the conclusion that SkipHopz, our number one article writer, is certainly dead. Common assumptions show that the legendary writer died at the funeral of Bias B, whose tragic death was posted by SkipHopz on November 4 2011. CNN, who were first to jump to the conclusion, described the death as “a most unfortunate loss to our ugly world”.

CNN was kinda happy to hand the open writing job to TripHopz, SkipHopz’s editor. This is not really good news though because with an editor in the top job there will be more proper writing and heaps less grammatical mistakes, which will sadly put the role of an editor out of the picture, leaving one more person homeless. This will also mean that serious and definitely not fake news stories will be replaced with shitty jokes.

Don’t take my word for it! Here’s what people have said about these things:

Don’t worry, I will not disappoint you. I will make this new magazine funnier than the old one. I will make sure that every edition includes jokes, funny stories and probably even comic strips.

—TripHopz, new writer

It was a dumb magazine anyway.

—Steve

I knew I had to close Obese Records before something like this happened.

—Pegz

It’s so dumb. Why are still we letting people read this fake news?

—Dave

I didn’t know I was capable of things like this.

—PeteTheMurderer

We are doomed as a news company, we can’t let this keep happening as it does.

—Phil Kent, CNN Boss

Now you’re wondering how CNN got over this death and could give the new role to some other random guy. Well our long time editor TripHopz stumbled across an old SkipHopz article from 2010 and was amazed at how profession the writing was. “I [knew] it was [real],” he stated “and I was [satisfied when I found out] that it was.” The next day, he read through a number of various SkipHopz articles published over the years. “I [was incredibly amazed at how well they documented these true stories with these] articles.” That very day, he decided that he would be CNN’s new official writer. Had Weapon X and Ken Hell not died eight years ago, CNN would likely have been one magazine short this year.

To further prove that we are doomed, CNN has joined the tragic population of people who upgrade websites to something more modern. That’s right, we’ve gone from Blogspot to WordPress, which is four years newer.

TripHopz will be published annually starting this year (2018), continuing the CNN tradition followed with SkipHopz for eight years.