Seth Sentry to join Russian military

ARIA winning rapper (and former American president?) Seth Sentry is looking to be the Russian military’s newest recruit. The 32 year old’s intentions are unclear as to why he would join them but only time will tell, so don’t take my word for it.

Above: Seth Sentry with his golden ARIA. Image is definitely not copyrighted.

Sentry’s previous intentions were for the Americans to blow the fucking moon up with a nuke before the Russians do, but we all know that didn’t happen, so he could either be succumbing to America’s traditional rivals or plotting a backstab.

Only time will tell what awaits this, but don’t take my word for it.

Russian dudes blew up the moon – in 1969

The time where we get to witness the moon’s explosion is very near.

According to some trustworthy conspiracy theory, some Russian people must have been successful in nuking the moon when they attempted back in 1969.

To end the infamous Russia vs America war, Russian president Kim Jong Un sent Apollo 11 into space to blow up the moon with a nuke. The Americans got there first, but they fucked up by planting a Canadian flag on it. The Russians later blew it up.

George Bush (RIP) denied that the Russians had won the war, although a little known fact about the moon is that it’s actually 50 light years away, therefore, when we look at the sky, what we’re seeing actually happened 50 years ago.

This year, we must be on the lookout for moon explosions, as the war’s ending’s 50th anniversary is in just a few months. Wear 3D glasses for full effect.

Since we’ve sold out, we now have to show an advertisement for these 3D glasses. Sorry.

As always, don’t take my word for it.

Dr. Seuss dead at 73

Legendary children’s rapper Dr. Seuss has died from a series of strokes. He was rushed to Dr. Dre (who is apparently NOT a colleague of his) but was unable to be revived.

RIP Dr Seuss (1995-1599)

Dr. Seuss was basically the child of gangsta rap. He will be remembered for his 1960 smash hit “Green Eggs And Ham” and multi-platinum album Oh The Thinks You Can Think, which was his debut record released on Obese Records.

He was one half of the legendary duo Bad Meats Evil along with 50 Cent, which was one of the first recognised vegan hip hop acts, and a member of the KRS-One posse.

Dr. Seuss was actually first reported to be dead back in 1973, but these were just creatively constructed rumours from his haters, before starting a death hoax was as easy as posting rubbish on Twitter. Speaking of Twitter, here are some of the tweets that were sent out by people with VERIFIED accounts that confirmed the media personality’s death:

Disclaimer: Turns out that Kerser got unverified by Victoria Police, but don’t worry, it’s all fine.

End of the Gucci Gang era

Japanese rapper Lil Pump has died after being brutally assassinated. The body of the rapper was found by Victoria Police and taken to the circus, where they presumed he belonged. After the circus confirmed that it was NOT one of their clowns, the body was taken to jail, where it was recognised and identified as LIL PUMP! His death was instantly followed by his boyfriend SmokePurpp committing suicide, I don’t know who that was but good riddance.

Lil Pump will be remembered as a bandwagoner (someone who follows trends because they’re trendy) who follows a lot of stupid trends. Remember when it was cool to not wash your hair because it meant you were defiant of your parents’ orders? Well some people take it so far to the point where they develop fucking DREADLOCKS! He jumps on the bandwagon of putting Lil at the start of your rap name (there’s like 600 of those fags these days) as well as getting murdered. He also autotuned sex noises for his music, which is trendy.

As well as following trends, he set the trend of thinking it’s gangsta to wear Gucci, although this is because Lil Pump is yet another fag rapper with a sponsor, another dumb trend that he followed.

Apart from this, he’ll be remembered for his savage diss track “Fuck J. Cole” which featured some of the most brutal disses in hip-hop history and ended J. Cole’s career.

The assassination does not seem suspicious as it is considered perfectly normal to murder a rapper for NO REASON AT ALL in this day and age. It was reported that the murderer was a dumb prick who mistook the clown/rapper for his twin brother 6ix9ine, which would be stupid considering that 6ix9ine is clearly the smarter twin who actually might wash his hair once in a while despite the fact that he eats WAY too many Skittles and clearly NEVER brushes his teeth.

When the sketchy internet guys confirmed the death, tweets started flying through with family friends, drug dealers and other actors paying tribute to the rapper on Twitter.

Lil Pump now represents the Gucci Gang in heaven. With this fag off the face of the earth, no one will be wasting their money on an expensive fashion brand that has nothing to do with gangstas. The silly Gucci Gang era has finally come to an end.

Ja Rule tickets now on sale for just 50 cents!!! 200 tickets sold!!!

Do you wanna go a concert but feel held back by the fact that you’re an absolute cheapskate? Well good news for you, Ja Rule’s in town. On November 9, he will be performing at Arlington Stadium in Sydney, Australasia.

This concert is perfect for you if you are a cheapskate. A little known fact about cheapskates is that they tend to have bad tastes in music. Perfect!

Local rapper Kerser was first to get onto the tickets, as he wanted a front seat. He thought they were $100 each so he paid the money over. As no one else had bought tickets, and it was looking likely that no one would ever, he received 200 tickets rather than the $99.50 change he should have got.

With these tickets sold, the front rows are all sold out, so if you were hoping to get a front row seat to throw tomatoes at Ja Rule, you’re out of luck. Now that that thought is out of the picture, nobody wants to get tickets so it’s looking like Ja will be performing to an empty crowd (if that’s still a crowd), as even Kerser won’t be attending the gig after he was recently involved in a car crash.

As always, don’t take my word for it.

DJ Khaled fired from Burger King

Biggie Smalls wannabe and Briggs lookalike DJ Khaled has been fired from his job working at local café Burger King after he was caught eating on the job.

DJ Khaled is most famous for Snapchatting his wife giving birth, as well as his number one hits “We Tha Best”, “The Real Slim Shady” and “Another One”.

DJ Khaled weighs close to 500 kg, so it’s no surprise that the first few people who caught him got squashed. He was initially caught eating burgers out of customers’ orders but then he started eating the customers who complained about not getting their burgers, leaving ZERO living witnesses. This went on for weeks, maybe even MONTHS, until fellow workers caught him eating on the job. DJ Khaled, being the dumb cunt he is, never thought of what he should do in this situation. But he didn’t think through it–he just ate them as well. When Burger King Rick Ross noticed that employees were going missing on the job, Khaled was his first suspect, although he denied all rumours via his famous and well-respected Snapchat story.

Despite the denials, Khaled was quick to retain the spot as top suspect when all other employees were proven innocent, except for a few sketchy guys who were later eaten. With the suspicions hot, Ross closely watched him on the job. Just thirty seconds into the shift, while Ross was rolling a joint, Khaled ate a customer and his triple cheeseburger order. When he realised that he had a witness, he quickly ate his employer. Unfortunately for him, a fellow worker had Snapchatted this incident, and the video of DJ Khaled eating Rick Ross quickly became a hot topic and caused Khaled to lose some followers. He was fired on the spot.

With no job, DJ Khaled now spends more time looking for old finished music that he can steal and release on his own name with fresh lyrics that he does NOT write.

You can check out DJ Khaled’s music on the world wide web (though I recommend that you don’t).

New candies Eminems and MGKs send the whole world into a craze

Editor’s note: This article is about American junk food so don’t feel like we’re being unAustralian by using the term “candy”.

If you’re like me, you’ve probably wondered at some point why your news feed is full of posts that use words you don’t understand like “Eminem” or “MGK”. Well it turns out that new candy brand MGK is beefing with legendary brand Eminem, who recently changed their name from M&M, which they were known as for a long time. The beef started back in 1997 when MGK called one of M&M’s workers Hailie “hot as fuck”. But before we go into detail, you might need to know some stuff about both brands.

Eminem is an award winning candy brand from Mars that was established during medieval times under the name M&M, which took after the initials of Marshall Mathers, the founder of the company. Skip forward to the twenty-first century when worker Slim Shady suggested that they should change their name to Eminem because “good companies always have actual words in their brand names” as he said in a posthumous interview with CNN. In 2009, M&M changed their brand name in respect to the late worker who committed suicide in 2004 during the curtains down stage of an encore.

MGK is a more recent brand that was established in 1990 but didn’t get much recognition until 2018 when Eminems were being dropped by some surprise kamikaze pilot who called out MGK. Three days later, Kelly the Rap Devil fired at Eminem with his machine gun. Nearly two weeks later, Eminem dropped their new product KILLSHOT, which sold 38 MILLION units within a DAY!!! Apparently it’s some kind of trap, and others say that it’s fire, but to me it just tastes like regular Eminems.

Based on these wicked facts, Eminem must have won the beef – although it is extremely odd that a candy brand would have “beef” with each other, especially since their products are basically vegan friendly – but we can only wait to see what MGK brings for us in the future.

Don’t take my word for it.