Rapper Bitter Belief fired from pasta factory

Italian rapper and occasional lasagna designer Bitter Belief has been fired from the pasta factory he created. The factory is called Amaro italiano, which is Italian for Italian Bitter (get it? Bitter?). He got fired for telling sign constructors that the English translation is “Victoria Bitter”, which was somehow believed. This was soon found to be yet another one of Bitter Belief’s attempts to suck up to Australia, with previous attempts including rapping in a fake Australian accent (which is so see through) and dropping some of the corniest bogan slang out there.

The false translation was discovered when Australian youngster DJ Spuddzz entered the factory to order some beers and a garlic bread and realised that the VBs were fake. Trust an Aussie teenager to know the difference between real and fake.

Above: DJ Spuddzz posing with some recycled beer

He complained to one of the after hours employees who had his leg stuck in a bottle of laundry powder. Of course, he didn’t speak English, but it didn’t matter because Victorian premier Daniel Johns was soon to sue Bitter Belief for using the name Bitter without his permission. Nothing came out of the court case, but many other Australian tourists to come followed the bandwagon of complaining. Bitter Belief was fired as soon as his after hours employee got his foot out of the washing machine, which the factory uses to cook pasta in.

Being honest, Bitter Belief full deserves to be broke for trying to suck up to Victoria when he already tells his fans (who hate him) that he’s from Perth. And in reality, all he did to claim his Australian status was Sydney for half an hour before getting chased back to Europe by his fans. What a delusional lunatic!

Bitter Belief is currently being investigated by Victoria Police and will hopefully learn a lesson from begging acceptance in Australian hip-hop.

Russian dudes blew up the moon – in 1969

The time where we get to witness the moon’s explosion is very near.

According to some trustworthy conspiracy theory, some Russian people must have been successful in nuking the moon when they attempted back in 1969.

To end the infamous Russia vs America war, Russian president Kim Jong Un sent Apollo 11 into space to blow up the moon with a nuke. The Americans got there first, but they fucked up by planting a Canadian flag on it. The Russians later blew it up.

George Bush (RIP) denied that the Russians had won the war, although a little known fact about the moon is that it’s actually 50 light years away, therefore, when we look at the sky, what we’re seeing actually happened 50 years ago.

This year, we must be on the lookout for moon explosions, as the war’s ending’s 50th anniversary is in just a few months. Wear 3D glasses for full effect.

Since we’ve sold out, we now have to show an advertisement for these 3D glasses. Sorry.

As always, don’t take my word for it.

Sovereign Hill review – is it worth visiting?

Sovereign Hill is a nice place near the beach in Ballarat that represents the gold rush of the medieval times. Some lads say that this representation isn’t that accurate but I don’t know about that. So that’s why I’m gonna be analysing some things about it in this essay. I’m mostly gonna be talking about the candle shop. So without further ado, let’s get into my in-depth review of Sovereign Hill.

hill

Candles were made from tallow back in the day, so they would naturally always be white, but the candle making lads would add some random stuff into the candles to give them colour. They used arsenic for the colour green, so some peeps would die from burning those things. Not that we’re supposed to have green candles in our houses. Personal use candles were always white, as mines had called shotgun on all the good colours as their trademarks. So if someone was caught with a coloured candle in their house, everyone thought it was stolen from a mine. The Sovereign Hill candle shop sells candles of any colour—including green—to any lad who walks into the shop; that’s not good.

Everyone knows that men are sexist pigs, and back in the gold rush times they had POWER too–this was before feminism took over. Because of this, women weren’t allowed to work in candle shops back in the day. But just about every candle at Sovereign Hill are made and sold by women. During the gold rush, just about every good job was for men. This is the WORST medieval representation EVER.

For a gold rush town, I’m DISGUSTED that they don’t sell any Will Shakespeare records at Sovereign Hill. Everybody knows that Will Shakespeare was the most prominent rapper during the gold rush, and it’s an utter DISGRACE to not sell his records in ANY gold rush shop. He’d be rolling in his grave if he knew that all of his hard work wasn’t paying off. Without Will Shakespeare, there would have been no gold rush, so Sovereign Hill is utterly disgusting to call themselves a gold rush town.

Not only is Sovereign Hill the ugliest town I’ve ever visited, but it does a TERRIBLE job of representing the gold rush. Who cares if it’s close to the beach anyway? It’s not even made of gold. The dumb people who built it took what should have been a Will Shakespeare record store and built a stupid candle shop (which sells GREEN candles) in its place. This is the worst gold rush representation EVER. DO NOT VISIT IT!

Ja Rule tickets now on sale for just 50 cents!!! 200 tickets sold!!!

Do you wanna go a concert but feel held back by the fact that you’re an absolute cheapskate? Well good news for you, Ja Rule’s in town. On November 9, he will be performing at Arlington Stadium in Sydney, Australasia.

This concert is perfect for you if you are a cheapskate. A little known fact about cheapskates is that they tend to have bad tastes in music. Perfect!

Local rapper Kerser was first to get onto the tickets, as he wanted a front seat. He thought they were $100 each so he paid the money over. As no one else had bought tickets, and it was looking likely that no one would ever, he received 200 tickets rather than the $99.50 change he should have got.

With these tickets sold, the front rows are all sold out, so if you were hoping to get a front row seat to throw tomatoes at Ja Rule, you’re out of luck. Now that that thought is out of the picture, nobody wants to get tickets so it’s looking like Ja will be performing to an empty crowd (if that’s still a crowd), as even Kerser won’t be attending the gig after he was recently involved in a car crash.

As always, don’t take my word for it.

New candies Eminems and MGKs send the whole world into a craze

Editor’s note: This article is about American junk food so don’t feel like we’re being unAustralian by using the term “candy”.

If you’re like me, you’ve probably wondered at some point why your news feed is full of posts that use words you don’t understand like “Eminem” or “MGK”. Well it turns out that new candy brand MGK is beefing with legendary brand Eminem, who recently changed their name from M&M, which they were known as for a long time. The beef started back in 1997 when MGK called one of M&M’s workers Hailie “hot as fuck”. But before we go into detail, you might need to know some stuff about both brands.

Eminem is an award winning candy brand from Mars that was established during medieval times under the name M&M, which took after the initials of Marshall Mathers, the founder of the company. Skip forward to the twenty-first century when worker Slim Shady suggested that they should change their name to Eminem because “good companies always have actual words in their brand names” as he said in a posthumous interview with CNN. In 2009, M&M changed their brand name in respect to the late worker who committed suicide in 2004 during the curtains down stage of an encore.

MGK is a more recent brand that was established in 1990 but didn’t get much recognition until 2018 when Eminems were being dropped by some surprise kamikaze pilot who called out MGK. Three days later, Kelly the Rap Devil fired at Eminem with his machine gun. Nearly two weeks later, Eminem dropped their new product KILLSHOT, which sold 38 MILLION units within a DAY!!! Apparently it’s some kind of trap, and others say that it’s fire, but to me it just tastes like regular Eminems.

Based on these wicked facts, Eminem must have won the beef – although it is extremely odd that a candy brand would have “beef” with each other, especially since their products are basically vegan friendly – but we can only wait to see what MGK brings for us in the future.

Don’t take my word for it.