Iconic Austrian school girl teenager Ellen Barba has gone missing today. Her parents suggest that she saw a cupcake and chased after it shortly before disappearing. CNN suggests that she was rather running away from school and didn’t want to take tests.
If you have sighted this 13 year old person, please contact Victoria Police on Twitter.
Well, now that teenagers love us, we’re gonna be listed as sellouts.
TripHopz has seemingly blown up on gay teen social media app Instagram, thanks to our review of Thundamentals’ new album I Love Songs, which is weird ’cause TripHopz doesn’t even have an Instagram page for fanboys to follow, which would be a stupid thing for a photography app.
Here are the stats from October 24, the day after the article’s publishing:
Just in case you’re too dumb to understand what this means, the review got 335 views on October 24 and 319 of which were redirections from Instagram. It also reached TEN DIFFERENT COUNTRIES. The most popular country was clearly Straya, followed by Americans, British guys and a bunch of triggered Austrians who probably don’t know how to take a joke about their fellow citizens. World War III coming up soon!!!
So what does this say about TripHopz? The next hot underground thing ruined by teenage fans? Only time will reveal what karma awaits this popularity surge.
As always, don’t take my word for it.
Due to a lack of posts in the past year, we can jump to the conclusion that SkipHopz, our number one article writer, is certainly dead. Common assumptions show that the legendary writer died at the funeral of Bias B, whose tragic death was posted by SkipHopz on November 4 2011. CNN, who were first to jump to the conclusion, described the death as “a most unfortunate loss to our ugly world”.
CNN was kinda happy to hand the open writing job to TripHopz, SkipHopz’s editor. This is not really good news though because with an editor in the top job there will be more proper writing and heaps less grammatical mistakes, which will sadly put the role of an editor out of the picture, leaving one more person homeless. This will also mean that serious and definitely not fake news stories will be replaced with shitty jokes.
Don’t take my word for it! Here’s what people have said about these things:
Don’t worry, I will not disappoint you. I will make this new magazine funnier than the old one. I will make sure that every edition includes jokes, funny stories and probably even comic strips.
—TripHopz, new writer
It was a dumb magazine anyway.
—Steve
I knew I had to close Obese Records before something like this happened.
—Pegz
It’s so dumb. Why are still we letting people read this fake news?
—Dave
I didn’t know I was capable of things like this.
—PeteTheMurderer
We are doomed as a news company, we can’t let this keep happening as it does.
—Phil Kent, CNN Boss
Now you’re wondering how CNN got over this death and could give the new role to some other random guy. Well our long time editor TripHopz stumbled across an old SkipHopz article from 2010 and was amazed at how profession the writing was. “I [knew] it was [real],” he stated “and I was [satisfied when I found out] that it was.” The next day, he read through a number of various SkipHopz articles published over the years. “I [was incredibly amazed at how well they documented these true stories with these] articles.” That very day, he decided that he would be CNN’s new official writer. Had Weapon X and Ken Hell not died eight years ago, CNN would likely have been one magazine short this year.
To further prove that we are doomed, CNN has joined the tragic population of people who upgrade websites to something more modern. That’s right, we’ve gone from Blogspot to WordPress, which is four years newer.
TripHopz will be published annually starting this year (2018), continuing the CNN tradition followed with SkipHopz for eight years.
Trip Hopz 