GoFundMe page to support local rapper hit with $2000 fine

Teenage backpack mumble raper Trippie XO (from Castlemaine) has been arrested and fined for vandalising school tables with his rapper name (which he stole). Moreso than his tag and his infamous Soundcloud rap songs, this ranga is famous for his gay Instagram selfies, every one of which involves a phone covering his mouth.

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Besides, he’s set up an OFFICIAL GoFoundMe page to raise $2000 in order to pay off the fine. The article reads:

Sketchy Castlemaine rap dude Trippie XO has copped a big arse fine for doing some dumb shit that involves writing his name in a sexy font in tables across his school. This bloke is a bloody ripper and deserves to force us to pay off the fine for him. Donate ya pockets, clout goggles, guns, drugs, hoes and money to show ya support for him.

So the best option at this stage would probably be to do what the article says, as Trippie XO will probably be soon to move on to proper graffiti in the real world and get arrested for real and he’ll get shot so the money will end up going towards real Aussie rap.

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But don’t take my word for it.

Verbalize arrested for streaking in Perth

Ozzy freestyle god Verbalise has been recently sighted running in the buff around the meth capital of Western Australia. The naked man is famous for his nude freestyles around his local streets, which he regularly posts on Facebook. People often dismiss these stunts as good acting, as no one has ever caught him in the act until last week when he was stupid enough to do it at dusk, when all the junkies are out, ready to get stoned.

The bloke is honestly a legend who made a slightly poor decision. His first arrest was for freestyling to a dope beat that he made all by himself that was too boom bappy (too real) for the streets. Next, his weight was clowned down as he hadn’t yet eaten.

But don’t take my word for it.

Bill Cosby killed after breaking out of jail

The day we have been dreading has finally come. Bill Cosby has been assassinated.

The legendary basketball player was sentenced to jail earlier this year when multiple charges were pressed against him for sexual assault. One in particular accused Cosby of raping pop superstar Justin Bieber shortly after a particular tragedy back in 2011. Bieber’s passing in 2015 sparked rumours that she had contracted fatal sexually transmitted infections during the assault (aren’t there a lot of those going around now?). The rest of the victims were people that no one cared about because they were merely relatives of class B celebrities who haven’t been relevant for years. Victoria Police decided to lock him up anyway; ’cause we all know he’s guilty until proven innocent.

On the 25th of December, Cosby announced on Twitter that he was free from prison. What a great Thanksgiving present! But it turned out he wasn’t free at all. He had broken out while sharing a cigarette with the security guard. When the guard tweeted Cosby asking him where he left his cigarettes, Cosby told him that he lost them in the swimming pool of his hotel room. The guard shortly died of a nicotine relief. The story would’ve died with the guard but luckily the brother of rap legend Eminem was there to leak the story onto the internet, as he does.

An hour later, Cosby was shot in the neck while shopping for fishing rods in Amsterdam. He was pronounced dead by Victoria Police twenty seconds later. Just minutes after the death, Kerser’s 1993 hit “Cosby Sweater” became the most downloaded song EVER, picking up more than 10 MILLION downloads on iTunes in that day alone. RIP.

Tributes to the late theatre personality came flowing in from all around the world, from France to Mars. This will go down as a very sad day for the soap opera industry.

Dr. Seuss dead at 73

Legendary children’s rapper Dr. Seuss has died from a series of strokes. He was rushed to Dr. Dre (who is apparently NOT a colleague of his) but was unable to be revived.

RIP Dr Seuss (1995-1599)

Dr. Seuss was basically the child of gangsta rap. He will be remembered for his 1960 smash hit “Green Eggs And Ham” and multi-platinum album Oh The Thinks You Can Think, which was his debut record released on Obese Records.

He was one half of the legendary duo Bad Meats Evil along with 50 Cent, which was one of the first recognised vegan hip hop acts, and a member of the KRS-One posse.

Dr. Seuss was actually first reported to be dead back in 1973, but these were just creatively constructed rumours from his haters, before starting a death hoax was as easy as posting rubbish on Twitter. Speaking of Twitter, here are some of the tweets that were sent out by people with VERIFIED accounts that confirmed the media personality’s death:

Disclaimer: Turns out that Kerser got unverified by Victoria Police, but don’t worry, it’s all fine.

End of the Gucci Gang era

Japanese rapper Lil Pump has died after being brutally assassinated. The body of the rapper was found by Victoria Police and taken to the circus, where they presumed he belonged. After the circus confirmed that it was NOT one of their clowns, the body was taken to jail, where it was recognised and identified as LIL PUMP! His death was instantly followed by his boyfriend SmokePurpp committing suicide, I don’t know who that was but good riddance.

Lil Pump will be remembered as a bandwagoner (someone who follows trends because they’re trendy) who follows a lot of stupid trends. Remember when it was cool to not wash your hair because it meant you were defiant of your parents’ orders? Well some people take it so far to the point where they develop fucking DREADLOCKS! He jumps on the bandwagon of putting Lil at the start of your rap name (there’s like 600 of those fags these days) as well as getting murdered. He also autotuned sex noises for his music, which is trendy.

As well as following trends, he set the trend of thinking it’s gangsta to wear Gucci, although this is because Lil Pump is yet another fag rapper with a sponsor, another dumb trend that he followed.

Apart from this, he’ll be remembered for his savage diss track “Fuck J. Cole” which featured some of the most brutal disses in hip-hop history and ended J. Cole’s career.

The assassination does not seem suspicious as it is considered perfectly normal to murder a rapper for NO REASON AT ALL in this day and age. It was reported that the murderer was a dumb prick who mistook the clown/rapper for his twin brother 6ix9ine, which would be stupid considering that 6ix9ine is clearly the smarter twin who actually might wash his hair once in a while despite the fact that he eats WAY too many Skittles and clearly NEVER brushes his teeth.

When the sketchy internet guys confirmed the death, tweets started flying through with family friends, drug dealers and other actors paying tribute to the rapper on Twitter.

Lil Pump now represents the Gucci Gang in heaven. With this fag off the face of the earth, no one will be wasting their money on an expensive fashion brand that has nothing to do with gangstas. The silly Gucci Gang era has finally come to an end.

DJ Khaled fired from Burger King

Biggie Smalls wannabe and Briggs lookalike DJ Khaled has been fired from his job working at local café Burger King after he was caught eating on the job.

DJ Khaled is most famous for Snapchatting his wife giving birth, as well as his number one hits “We Tha Best”, “The Real Slim Shady” and “Another One”.

DJ Khaled weighs close to 500 kg, so it’s no surprise that the first few people who caught him got squashed. He was initially caught eating burgers out of customers’ orders but then he started eating the customers who complained about not getting their burgers, leaving ZERO living witnesses. This went on for weeks, maybe even MONTHS, until fellow workers caught him eating on the job. DJ Khaled, being the dumb cunt he is, never thought of what he should do in this situation. But he didn’t think through it–he just ate them as well. When Burger King Rick Ross noticed that employees were going missing on the job, Khaled was his first suspect, although he denied all rumours via his famous and well-respected Snapchat story.

Despite the denials, Khaled was quick to retain the spot as top suspect when all other employees were proven innocent, except for a few sketchy guys who were later eaten. With the suspicions hot, Ross closely watched him on the job. Just thirty seconds into the shift, while Ross was rolling a joint, Khaled ate a customer and his triple cheeseburger order. When he realised that he had a witness, he quickly ate his employer. Unfortunately for him, a fellow worker had Snapchatted this incident, and the video of DJ Khaled eating Rick Ross quickly became a hot topic and caused Khaled to lose some followers. He was fired on the spot.

With no job, DJ Khaled now spends more time looking for old finished music that he can steal and release on his own name with fresh lyrics that he does NOT write.

You can check out DJ Khaled’s music on the world wide web (though I recommend that you don’t).

We are all doomed (SkipHopz is dead)

Due to a lack of posts in the past year, we can jump to the conclusion that SkipHopz, our number one article writer, is certainly dead. Common assumptions show that the legendary writer died at the funeral of Bias B, whose tragic death was posted by SkipHopz on November 4 2011. CNN, who were first to jump to the conclusion, described the death as “a most unfortunate loss to our ugly world”.

CNN was kinda happy to hand the open writing job to TripHopz, SkipHopz’s editor. This is not really good news though because with an editor in the top job there will be more proper writing and heaps less grammatical mistakes, which will sadly put the role of an editor out of the picture, leaving one more person homeless. This will also mean that serious and definitely not fake news stories will be replaced with shitty jokes.

Don’t take my word for it! Here’s what people have said about these things:

Don’t worry, I will not disappoint you. I will make this new magazine funnier than the old one. I will make sure that every edition includes jokes, funny stories and probably even comic strips.

—TripHopz, new writer

It was a dumb magazine anyway.

—Steve

I knew I had to close Obese Records before something like this happened.

—Pegz

It’s so dumb. Why are still we letting people read this fake news?

—Dave

I didn’t know I was capable of things like this.

—PeteTheMurderer

We are doomed as a news company, we can’t let this keep happening as it does.

—Phil Kent, CNN Boss

Now you’re wondering how CNN got over this death and could give the new role to some other random guy. Well our long time editor TripHopz stumbled across an old SkipHopz article from 2010 and was amazed at how profession the writing was. “I [knew] it was [real],” he stated “and I was [satisfied when I found out] that it was.” The next day, he read through a number of various SkipHopz articles published over the years. “I [was incredibly amazed at how well they documented these true stories with these] articles.” That very day, he decided that he would be CNN’s new official writer. Had Weapon X and Ken Hell not died eight years ago, CNN would likely have been one magazine short this year.

To further prove that we are doomed, CNN has joined the tragic population of people who upgrade websites to something more modern. That’s right, we’ve gone from Blogspot to WordPress, which is four years newer.

TripHopz will be published annually starting this year (2018), continuing the CNN tradition followed with SkipHopz for eight years.