Tag: italy

The truth behind our human race’s origin, and where we will end up in the future

Everyone wants to know where they came from, right? Well, most people do know, but what they tend to not know is where their early ancestors came from.

The truth is that no life began on Earth, all life crash landed from elsewhere. Dogs, cats and hippies were created in the Big Bang (which was fake) and swam around in nothingness until they found planets. They spread themselves between about 400 different planets (it’s funny because even numbers didn’t exist back then).

So on these different planets, they evolved differently, due to the different atmospheres, so when we see dogs and cats from different planets, they look nothing like our precious pets, except for those who came from alternate Earths, planets that coincidentally have similar atmospheres and similar dog and cat evolutions.

On heavily differing planets, these animals evolved with different body structures, one of which developed the arms and legs that we have today and the genius brains we now lack, and others of which grew fat bodies, long necks, stripy skin, and many more features that we are yet to see on Earth. So those animal species we now know are basically just differently evolved dogs and cats, some of which relocated to Planet Earth as we know it today, others found other planets and re-evolved in accordance to their atmospheres. In conclusion, the super-intelligent brains that the humans we are once had probably exist in similar animals with slightly different forms.

Dancing Alien X Files GIF by Polyvinyl Records

Above: A late species of what we now know as dogs from a nearby planet

So where might we end up in the future? Well, scientists are desperate to narrow down our options for future residence, so we need to act quickly in cashing in on places they haven’t found yet.

The most realistic option (unfortunately) is plain old, boring old Mars at this stage. But if you check the planet’s fast facts from our very own CNN, you’ll have a great understanding of how the not so distant planet could accommodate modern Earth’s expensive taste.

But here at CNN, we also believe that exoplanets are more liveable than our own planet. So our recently discovered second exoplanet could very well likely be more desirable than Mars for our future life, if we do happen to get bored of Earth.

As always, don’t take my word for it.

Rapper Bitter Belief fired from pasta factory

Italian rapper and occasional lasagna designer Bitter Belief has been fired from the pasta factory he created. The factory is called Amaro italiano, which is Italian for Italian Bitter (get it? Bitter?). He got fired for telling sign constructors that the English translation is “Victoria Bitter”, which was somehow believed. This was soon found to be yet another one of Bitter Belief’s attempts to suck up to Australia, with previous attempts including rapping in a fake Australian accent (which is so see through) and dropping some of the corniest bogan slang out there.

The false translation was discovered when Australian youngster DJ Spuddzz entered the factory to order some beers and a garlic bread and realised that the VBs were fake. Trust an Aussie teenager to know the difference between real and fake.

Above: DJ Spuddzz posing with some recycled beer

He complained to one of the after hours employees who had his leg stuck in a bottle of laundry powder. Of course, he didn’t speak English, but it didn’t matter because Victorian premier Daniel Johns was soon to sue Bitter Belief for using the name Bitter without his permission. Nothing came out of the court case, but many other Australian tourists to come followed the bandwagon of complaining. Bitter Belief was fired as soon as his after hours employee got his foot out of the washing machine, which the factory uses to cook pasta in.

Being honest, Bitter Belief full deserves to be broke for trying to suck up to Victoria when he already tells his fans (who hate him) that he’s from Perth. And in reality, all he did to claim his Australian status was Sydney for half an hour before getting chased back to Europe by his fans. What a delusional lunatic!

Bitter Belief is currently being investigated by Victoria Police and will hopefully learn a lesson from begging acceptance in Australian hip-hop.