The truth behind our human race’s origin, and where we will end up in the future

Everyone wants to know where they came from, right? Well, most people do know, but what they tend to not know is where their early ancestors came from.

The truth is that no life began on Earth, all life crash landed from elsewhere. Dogs, cats and hippies were created in the Big Bang (which was fake) and swam around in nothingness until they found planets. They spread themselves between about 400 different planets (it’s funny because even numbers didn’t exist back then).

So on these different planets, they evolved differently, due to the different atmospheres, so when we see dogs and cats from different planets, they look nothing like our precious pets, except for those who came from alternate Earths, planets that coincidentally have similar atmospheres and similar dog and cat evolutions.

On heavily differing planets, these animals evolved with different body structures, one of which developed the arms and legs that we have today and the genius brains we now lack, and others of which grew fat bodies, long necks, stripy skin, and many more features that we are yet to see on Earth. So those animal species we now know are basically just differently evolved dogs and cats, some of which relocated to Planet Earth as we know it today, others found other planets and re-evolved in accordance to their atmospheres. In conclusion, the super-intelligent brains that the humans we are once had probably exist in similar animals with slightly different forms.

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Above: A late species of what we now know as dogs from a nearby planet

So where might we end up in the future? Well, scientists are desperate to narrow down our options for future residence, so we need to act quickly in cashing in on places they haven’t found yet.

The most realistic option (unfortunately) is plain old, boring old Mars at this stage. But if you check the planet’s fast facts from our very own CNN, you’ll have a great understanding of how the not so distant planet could accommodate modern Earth’s expensive taste.

But here at CNN, we also believe that exoplanets are more liveable than our own planet. So our recently discovered second exoplanet could very well likely be more desirable than Mars for our future life, if we do happen to get bored of Earth.

As always, don’t take my word for it.

Australian senator McGlock rages and breaks controller

The famous Ryan McGlock has had yet another one of his famous rage quits. He was playing Subway Surfers when his computer was locked, and he went full rage!!!

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If anyone knows one thing about McGlock, it’s that he knows how to go full rage like a boss. The professional 2K player broke his milestone 100th controller of his career. He also noted it as an important achievement, being his first broken controller since Christmas.

McGlock is locally known as a good lad, especially when he acts like a rebel in English class, playing games that we all know he should be playing, but teachers don’t understand. So the creepy stalker guys saw his screen and instantly locked him out. And that’s when he went full rage! What a legend!

Approximately $24,900 worth of damage was caused by this rage quit. The 22 year old man may be sued or lose his job in parliament, but only time will tell. So don’t take my word for it.

Tasmanian man performs abortion on cousin with a pair of nail clippers

While it seems that there have been no abortion clinics in Tasmania for ages, Tasmanian people who are too poor to go to proper Australia for an abortion have been coming up with creative ways to stop their relatives from giving birth.

One particular man, by the name of Dick Lonergan from Launceston (way better than Hobart), who impregnated his cousin Emily late last year, attempted abortion by sticking a chainsaw in the womb to decapitate the foetus, who snatched the chainsaw and started attacking its father. Dick would later come back with a pair of nail clippers and choked his unborn child to death.

When questioned about the incident by Victoria Police, Dick said the following:

Emily was complaining about the baby kicking her from inside, and I knew I had to do something it because she is my favourite cousin. That little prick doesn’t deserve a chance at life and nobody who causes such pain for their mother and second cousin before birth has potential to be a good person.

Images of the incident are far to graphic for CNN’s standards, so you’re going to have to take my word for it this time around.

Seth Sentry to join Russian military

ARIA winning rapper (and former American president?) Seth Sentry is looking to be the Russian military’s newest recruit. The 32 year old’s intentions are unclear as to why he would join them but only time will tell, so don’t take my word for it.

Above: Seth Sentry with his golden ARIA. Image is definitely not copyrighted.

Sentry’s previous intentions were for the Americans to blow the fucking moon up with a nuke before the Russians do, but we all know that didn’t happen, so he could either be succumbing to America’s traditional rivals or plotting a backstab.

Only time will tell what awaits this, but don’t take my word for it.

“Egg Boy” to be in running for prime minister

Following a controversial debate as to whether the Mingler Party, lead by our saviour Will Connolly, should be allowed to run the country, statistics show that their votes would account for more than 70% of all Australians.

Above: Our hero Will Connolly surrounded by his very protective bodyguards

By smashing an egg on racist dickhead Fraser Anning’s head, Connolly rose to power and gained a huge following party on Facebook, where people have been campaigning to throw an egg at Anning on March 31st. Victoria Police have been in full support of these actions, and some officers have been bodyguarding the man voluntarily.

If the Mingler Party rises to power and gets elected on the coming May election, Will Connolly will be likely be named Prime Minister of Australia, meaning that we’ll actually have someone decent in power for a change. You can support the Will Connolly movement by throwing an egg at Fraser Anning or posting on Facebook.

But don’t take my word for it.

Russian dudes blew up the moon – in 1969

The time where we get to witness the moon’s explosion is very near.

According to some trustworthy conspiracy theory, some Russian people must have been successful in nuking the moon when they attempted back in 1969.

To end the infamous Russia vs America war, Russian president Kim Jong Un sent Apollo 11 into space to blow up the moon with a nuke. The Americans got there first, but they fucked up by planting a Canadian flag on it. The Russians later blew it up.

George Bush (RIP) denied that the Russians had won the war, although a little known fact about the moon is that it’s actually 50 light years away, therefore, when we look at the sky, what we’re seeing actually happened 50 years ago.

This year, we must be on the lookout for moon explosions, as the war’s ending’s 50th anniversary is in just a few months. Wear 3D glasses for full effect.

Since we’ve sold out, we now have to show an advertisement for these 3D glasses. Sorry.

As always, don’t take my word for it.

All rangas being herded to concentration camp after suspicions of carrying diseases

World War III is finally on the rise.

The racism of the medieval 1930s has come back, in the form of anti-ranga discrimination. Reports suggest that a person with a specific hair colour have been responsible for the spreading of rabies, herpes, FUD (Fire us Disease, leading cause of unemployment) and HIV. Millennials suggest that it’s caused by computers but traditional Aussies know that rangas are to blame.

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Pictured above: Man has lost teeth just minutes after meeting infamous ranga

Concentration camps are now active all across Ireland and other European countries to exterminate the orange-haired disasters.

Adolf Hitler is now suing Indian prime minister Russell Coight for not only stealing his idea of concentration camps but the glorious trademark beard of Chuck Norris (RIP).

It is unknown as to which countries will ally with us. But in the meantime, prepare, act and don’t survive.