“Egg Boy” to be in running for prime minister

Following a controversial debate as to whether the Mingler Party, lead by our saviour Will Connolly, should be allowed to run the country, statistics show that their votes would account for more than 70% of all Australians.

Above: Our hero Will Connolly surrounded by his very protective bodyguards

By smashing an egg on racist dickhead Fraser Anning’s head, Connolly rose to power and gained a huge following party on Facebook, where people have been campaigning to throw an egg at Anning on March 31st. Victoria Police have been in full support of these actions, and some officers have been bodyguarding the man voluntarily.

If the Mingler Party rises to power and gets elected on the coming May election, Will Connolly will be likely be named Prime Minister of Australia, meaning that we’ll actually have someone decent in power for a change. You can support the Will Connolly movement by throwing an egg at Fraser Anning or posting on Facebook.

But don’t take my word for it.

Lukas Graham contracts multiple STIs

7 year old singer Lukas Graham has recently contracted multiple fatal sexually transmitted infections; including crabs, Chlamydia and herpes. According to popular news website Wikipedia, the diseases came from a terrorist fan who showed up to his concert to spread the dreaded horror.

Sexually transmitted infections have an ugly history with the Graham family, with his sister prematurely dying of hepatitis and his father dying of Ligma.

We pray for this child as he sleeps under his dream catcher.

Celebrity schoolgirl missing

Iconic Austrian school girl teenager Ellen Barba has gone missing today. Her parents suggest that she saw a cupcake and chased after it shortly before disappearing. CNN suggests that she was rather running away from school and didn’t want to take tests.

If you have sighted this 13 year old person, please contact Victoria Police on Twitter.

TripHopz: Instagram star?

Well, now that teenagers love us, we’re gonna be listed as sellouts.

TripHopz has seemingly blown up on gay teen social media app Instagram, thanks to our review of Thundamentals’ new album I Love Songs, which is weird ’cause TripHopz doesn’t even have an Instagram page for fanboys to follow, which would be a stupid thing for a photography app.

Here are the stats from October 24, the day after the article’s publishing:

Just in case you’re too dumb to understand what this means, the review got 335 views on October 24 and 319 of which were redirections from Instagram. It also reached TEN DIFFERENT COUNTRIES. The most popular country was clearly Straya, followed by Americans, British guys and a bunch of triggered Austrians who probably don’t know how to take a joke about their fellow citizens. World War III coming up soon!!!

So what does this say about TripHopz? The next hot underground thing ruined by teenage fans? Only time will reveal what karma awaits this popularity surge.

As always, don’t take my word for it.