Tasmanian man performs abortion on cousin with a pair of nail clippers

While it seems that there have been no abortion clinics in Tasmania for ages, Tasmanian people who are too poor to go to proper Australia for an abortion have been coming up with creative ways to stop their relatives from giving birth.

One particular man, by the name of Dick Lonergan from Launceston (way better than Hobart), who impregnated his cousin Emily late last year, attempted abortion by sticking a chainsaw in the womb to decapitate the foetus, who snatched the chainsaw and started attacking its father. Dick would later come back with a pair of nail clippers and choked his unborn child to death.

When questioned about the incident by Victoria Police, Dick said the following:

Emily was complaining about the baby kicking her from inside, and I knew I had to do something it because she is my favourite cousin. That little prick doesn’t deserve a chance at life and nobody who causes such pain for their mother and second cousin before birth has potential to be a good person.

Images of the incident are far to graphic for CNN’s standards, so you’re going to have to take my word for it this time around.

Rapper Bitter Belief fired from pasta factory

Italian rapper and occasional lasagna designer Bitter Belief has been fired from the pasta factory he created. The factory is called Amaro italiano, which is Italian for Italian Bitter (get it? Bitter?). He got fired for telling sign constructors that the English translation is “Victoria Bitter”, which was somehow believed. This was soon found to be yet another one of Bitter Belief’s attempts to suck up to Australia, with previous attempts including rapping in a fake Australian accent (which is so see through) and dropping some of the corniest bogan slang out there.

The false translation was discovered when Australian youngster DJ Spuddzz entered the factory to order some beers and a garlic bread and realised that the VBs were fake. Trust an Aussie teenager to know the difference between real and fake.

Above: DJ Spuddzz posing with some recycled beer

He complained to one of the after hours employees who had his leg stuck in a bottle of laundry powder. Of course, he didn’t speak English, but it didn’t matter because Victorian premier Daniel Johns was soon to sue Bitter Belief for using the name Bitter without his permission. Nothing came out of the court case, but many other Australian tourists to come followed the bandwagon of complaining. Bitter Belief was fired as soon as his after hours employee got his foot out of the washing machine, which the factory uses to cook pasta in.

Being honest, Bitter Belief full deserves to be broke for trying to suck up to Victoria when he already tells his fans (who hate him) that he’s from Perth. And in reality, all he did to claim his Australian status was Sydney for half an hour before getting chased back to Europe by his fans. What a delusional lunatic!

Bitter Belief is currently being investigated by Victoria Police and will hopefully learn a lesson from begging acceptance in Australian hip-hop.

“Egg Boy” to be in running for prime minister

Following a controversial debate as to whether the Mingler Party, lead by our saviour Will Connolly, should be allowed to run the country, statistics show that their votes would account for more than 70% of all Australians.

Above: Our hero Will Connolly surrounded by his very protective bodyguards

By smashing an egg on racist dickhead Fraser Anning’s head, Connolly rose to power and gained a huge following party on Facebook, where people have been campaigning to throw an egg at Anning on March 31st. Victoria Police have been in full support of these actions, and some officers have been bodyguarding the man voluntarily.

If the Mingler Party rises to power and gets elected on the coming May election, Will Connolly will be likely be named Prime Minister of Australia, meaning that we’ll actually have someone decent in power for a change. You can support the Will Connolly movement by throwing an egg at Fraser Anning or posting on Facebook.

But don’t take my word for it.

All rangas being herded to concentration camp after suspicions of carrying diseases

World War III is finally on the rise.

The racism of the medieval 1930s has come back, in the form of anti-ranga discrimination. Reports suggest that a person with a specific hair colour have been responsible for the spreading of rabies, herpes, FUD (Fire us Disease, leading cause of unemployment) and HIV. Millennials suggest that it’s caused by computers but traditional Aussies know that rangas are to blame.

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Pictured above: Man has lost teeth just minutes after meeting infamous ranga

Concentration camps are now active all across Ireland and other European countries to exterminate the orange-haired disasters.

Adolf Hitler is now suing Indian prime minister Russell Coight for not only stealing his idea of concentration camps but the glorious trademark beard of Chuck Norris (RIP).

It is unknown as to which countries will ally with us. But in the meantime, prepare, act and don’t survive.

Bill Cosby killed after breaking out of jail

The day we have been dreading has finally come. Bill Cosby has been assassinated.

The legendary basketball player was sentenced to jail earlier this year when multiple charges were pressed against him for sexual assault. One in particular accused Cosby of raping pop superstar Justin Bieber shortly after a particular tragedy back in 2011. Bieber’s passing in 2015 sparked rumours that she had contracted fatal sexually transmitted infections during the assault (aren’t there a lot of those going around now?). The rest of the victims were people that no one cared about because they were merely relatives of class B celebrities who haven’t been relevant for years. Victoria Police decided to lock him up anyway; ’cause we all know he’s guilty until proven innocent.

On the 25th of December, Cosby announced on Twitter that he was free from prison. What a great Thanksgiving present! But it turned out he wasn’t free at all. He had broken out while sharing a cigarette with the security guard. When the guard tweeted Cosby asking him where he left his cigarettes, Cosby told him that he lost them in the swimming pool of his hotel room. The guard shortly died of a nicotine relief. The story would’ve died with the guard but luckily the brother of rap legend Eminem was there to leak the story onto the internet, as he does.

An hour later, Cosby was shot in the neck while shopping for fishing rods in Amsterdam. He was pronounced dead by Victoria Police twenty seconds later. Just minutes after the death, Kerser’s 1993 hit “Cosby Sweater” became the most downloaded song EVER, picking up more than 10 MILLION downloads on iTunes in that day alone. RIP.

Tributes to the late theatre personality came flowing in from all around the world, from France to Mars. This will go down as a very sad day for the soap opera industry.

Celebrity schoolgirl missing

Iconic Austrian school girl teenager Ellen Barba has gone missing today. Her parents suggest that she saw a cupcake and chased after it shortly before disappearing. CNN suggests that she was rather running away from school and didn’t want to take tests.

If you have sighted this 13 year old person, please contact Victoria Police on Twitter.

Dr. Seuss dead at 73

Legendary children’s rapper Dr. Seuss has died from a series of strokes. He was rushed to Dr. Dre (who is apparently NOT a colleague of his) but was unable to be revived.

RIP Dr Seuss (1995-1599)

Dr. Seuss was basically the child of gangsta rap. He will be remembered for his 1960 smash hit “Green Eggs And Ham” and multi-platinum album Oh The Thinks You Can Think, which was his debut record released on Obese Records.

He was one half of the legendary duo Bad Meats Evil along with 50 Cent, which was one of the first recognised vegan hip hop acts, and a member of the KRS-One posse.

Dr. Seuss was actually first reported to be dead back in 1973, but these were just creatively constructed rumours from his haters, before starting a death hoax was as easy as posting rubbish on Twitter. Speaking of Twitter, here are some of the tweets that were sent out by people with VERIFIED accounts that confirmed the media personality’s death:

Disclaimer: Turns out that Kerser got unverified by Victoria Police, but don’t worry, it’s all fine.